This is a new series on The Grist Mill to promote health consciousness and disease awareness among its readers. Here you will find information on an array of conditions that are not reported elsewhere.

Eating Syndrome: Those who are afflicted with this illness have a strong urge to eat whenever they are hungry. When they sit down to have a meal, they tend to consume their favorite food more than the ones they don’t like. When they chew food, their lower jaw continuously moves down and up. It is alarming to note that after having a sumptuous meal, they stop feeling hungry.

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The Expert

Holiday season has started. Schools will be closed for a while. Many people have already taken off from work because they have unused annual leave. Now, you have to devise ways to keep your family members busy so that they don’t upset your set routine. If you google, you can find a thousand ways to keep your kids busy, but none for your husband.

In summer time, he could be kept busy with gardening and the other backyard projects. Unfortunately, the present icy weather puts you under house arrest and you really need to get innovative and creative to deal with your fellow inmates.

Please don’t be dejected, disappointed, or disheartened. I am here for you—always ready with my free advice.

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Year-End Update: Bollywood Hit Dance Numbers of the Decade 2001- 2010. Desi Playlist for New Year's Eve. 
The Grist Mill #1. 'Sheila Ki Jawani', featuring Katrina Kaif and Akshay Kumar from the upcoming movie, Tees Maar Khan 2010

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I was about to compose a clarification regarding my role in the Niira Radia controversy—Vir Sanghvi and Barkha Dutt having already done that—when I saw pictures of the God Incarnate, Bhagwan Sri Sathya Sai Baba’s, birthday celebrations. They reminded me of an easy way out–to ask Him for help. No sooner did I remember Him than He made the Niira Radia-Giribala Joshi tapes disappear.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh attending
Sathya Sai Baba's 85th birthday celebrations (Picture courtesy TOI)

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Raja                                                                        Kani

TGM has added a kala tika and a special jhadu on A. Raja  to ward off the evil eye

Damn 'Open Magazine' and 'Outlook' for releasing the audiotapes and publishing the transcripts of the telephone conversations between Niira Radia and the stalwarts of Indian politics, corporate world, and journalism. If you come across Niira Radia - Giribala Joshi tapes, please keep in mind that I am not a lobbyist, nor an opportunist; my conversations with Radia had been a part of my normal writeristic duties.

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सौन्दर्य की देवी: पामेला एंडरसन

पामेला एंडरसन Crowned by TGM
 (Photo Credit: Barcroft Media Ltd)

(Scroll down for English translation)
पामेला देवी को भारतीय नारी के परिधान में देखकर, और उनके हिन्दी संभाषण से प्रभावित होकर, मेरी कलम ने अँग्रेज़ी में लिखने से इन्कार कर दिया.

देवी जी अमरीका नामक दूर देश से भारतीय पुरुषों के उद्धार हेतु आगमित हुई थी. अन्यथा उन असंतुष्ठ पुरुषों को मृत्यु उपरांत मोक्ष की प्राप्ति नहीं होती. ईश्वर उन्हें यह कहकर कि “वत्स, तुम्हारे जीवन की आकांक्षाएँ अभी पूर्ण नहीं हुई है,” पुनः धरा पर भेज देते.

वैसे जनसामान्य को मात्र इतनी ही सूचना थी कि पामेला जी बिग्ग बॉस नामक अ त्यंत ही निरर्थक तमाशे में भाग लेने हेतु तीन दिन के लिए पधारी हैं.

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A. Raja

(TGM has put a kala tika and 

a special jhadoo to ward off the evil eye)

In spite of the cutthroat competition in this dog-eat-dog world, many brave-hearts have been able to rise above mediocrity and shine like superstars.

Andimuthu Raja is one such gem. He is a great philanthropist, a modern day Robin Hood. He stripped the good-for-nothing Indian Government of Rs 17,00,00,00,00,000 and benefited many common people in the process. After such remarkable achievement, he certainly deserves to enjoy a big slice of the Rs 17,00,00,00,00,000 extra-cheese pizza, but no, Indians have a tendency to bring down the successful. Sadly, A. Raja had to resign as the Telecom Minister yesterday, but that doesn’t mean we should let him fade into oblivion.

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Update: This article is selected for Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards
Now you can read this in Hindi too: दीपावली: राजकुमारी सीता का स्वागतोत्सव

Princess Sita
 (The only picture of Sita holding a bow. Modified from a picture on this page)

Diwali, the festival of lights, is intrinsically related to the Hindu epic, Ramayana. According to a newer version* of the epic, called Sita Charita Manas, on this day, Princess Sita returned to Mithila after killing the demon queen Mandodari, and was welcomed by her subjects with lit diyas or tiny earthen lamps amid great festivity.

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Recently my imaginary shayar friend sent these lines to me:

Antilia

Ab main samjha Mumbai Sheher mein Antilia ka matlab,
Daulat-e-Reliance pe scarecrow bithha rakha hai!

(Now I know the importance of Antilia in Mumbai City.
It is a scarecrow to guard the fortunes of Reliance.)

This is so unfair. Guys, guys, guys, what is this fuss about Antilia? It is the most beautiful building I have seen in a long time. I am aghast at the negative press. Unlike the designers, decorators and other contractors, I have not signed any confidentiality agreement, so I can divulge this little secret. Mukesh Ambani’s new home Antilia is constructed according to my Vastu advice.

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A Personal Appeal From The Grist Mill Founder

You can see these pages as tabs at the top of the blog. This feature to publish “static information on stand-alone pages” was unveiled by Blogger in February. Earlier, I thought I didn’t need these pages, but finally decided to add them so that The Grist Mill looks cool and professional like other blogs.

Home: This is the main blog page.

About Me!!

Contact:  Now, I did not create this page to look cool, but only to give respite to the poor kabootar.




Borrowed Verses: My favorite poems

Writing advice: Useful tips from the masters on the craft of writing.

Super-Duper Archives:  This page provides links to all the posts published on The Grist Mill along with related pictures, summaries, posting dates, and number of comments.

New*

A Personal Appeal From The Grist Mill Founder

Thanks for your visit and also for bringing your own grain!

Tiger the Dog lost in thoughts!
(Picture courtesy free-computer-wallpaper.com)

A few days ago, I was highly disturbed and deeply distressed. Memories of the time when the Dog’s parents had come to live with us and the Bitch had thrown such tantrums that they had to leave the house had been haunting me. To make matters worse, when the Bitch’s parents came to visit us, the Dog behaved very rudely towards them. It made me anxious about my own impending old age. Would they throw me out of the house as well? But that was until I had a hearty chat with Kaalicharan in the park, where we go to relieve ourselves.

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These days I do not have enough patience to read the news stories thoroughly. I read only a few lines and  make up the rest. For example, when I came across this back and forth between Mamata Banerjee and Rahul Gandhi, all I could do was skim through the article. In the following paragraphs, I present the text of their respective speeches for your reading pleasure. I have used bold letters for the original quotes. The less bold ones have originated from my feeble mind.

Mamata Banerjee
(Picture Courtesy wn.com)

Mamata Banerjee said, "Amra dumurer phool noi (We are not a seasonal flower rarely seen) that we will appear like cuckoos before elections, chirp, and fly away.

"I am also not a parrot that lives in a golden cage, sleeps on a bed of gold, eats gold biscuits, and repeats only what has been taught. On the contrary, I am a cotton tree that walks around in hawai chappal to railway accident sites, protest rallies, and puja inaugurations.

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Obama with his Blackberry

Last week, in my imagination, President Obama pinged me from his BlackBerry, “GJ, do something! Only you can stop that jackass from burning the Koran. Please post an appeal on your distinguished, widely read, popular blog. The lunatic might gain some foresight.” The President seemed concerned—very concerned.

I didn’t consider it a big issue because in my view, if Hindus, Muslims, and Christians thoroughly read their respective Holy Books, they would burn their own books instead of others’.

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Dear All,
You are invited to a prayer ceremony at our house on next Saturday. We will chant mantras, read the katha, sing bhajans and arti, and then have prasadam. Please arrive before 6:30 pm and make sure that you spend the day in piety.
Thank you,
Binodini Pandey

My sister, Binodini, has sent this invitation to all our Indian friends in the neighborhood. She said that she felt obliged to host a puja after attending such functions at everyone else’s home, and that she wanted to “return the favor.”

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PePe Pepein....Pe PePein....

By popular demand, The Grist Mill presents midyear update:
1. PePe Pepein, featuring Shahid Kapoor and Genelia D'Souza from the movie Chance Pe Dance

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Mora piya mose bolat nahi...

It has been such a long time since we had had a good chitchat, or tit for tat, or “returning the favor” as he would like to say. This time the silence has been longer. I will not say that I miss him because his sweet nothings keep on playing in my head all the time.

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Dedicated to Tejaswee Rao (19 Jan 1991 – 11 Aug 2010)

A Poem By Emily Dickinson

For Tejaswee Rao!

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

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CWG 2010 in New Delhi, India

Party In New Delhi
(To be sung to the tune of  'Party In The USA,' a Miley Cyrus song. Video embedded at the end of this post.)

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Peace

Exclusive First Person Report
By Samuel Manning
August 6, 2060 8:38 p.m. EDT

By now all of you must have been bombarded to death with the news of the end of the war in Afghanistan. I hope there is some life left in you to hear my version of the story. It hurts when people refer to me as “the hostage who brought an end to the war.” Let me make it very clear that even if someone else had been in my place, the events would have taken the same course.

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Giribala Joshi on December 31, 2008

Generally for women, even though it is not always necessary, it is perfectly fine to do all sorts of manly things except the ones that are related exclusively to the male anatomy. On the other hand, when men do womanly things, the results range from downright absurd to highly aesthetic. For example, when men wear a sari, or put on a mangal sutra, lipstick, or a bindi, they look funny, but when they indulge in any creative work like cooking or cleaning the kitchen, they look extremely sexy and handsome.

When this topic was started by Indian Home Maker, I could not think of a single manly thing that I had ever done. In my opinion, whatever I did was womanly because I was a woman. To write this post, I sought help from one of my close friends. I narrated scores of anecdotes to her, from which she selected the following ones as the most macho.

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Read this in Hindi:बेटा, लाईफ जैकेट पहनो: एक नन्हे बालक की कहानी

The Little Boy

Once upon a time there was a sweet boy with chubby cheeks, curly hair, and dimples to die for. He had an equally charming sister. Their mother was from a faraway land, where women had more freedom. After marrying into a reigning swimmers’ family of the Grand Lake, she was straitjacketed, but she never complained because she had married for love. For security reasons, both the kids, even after growing up, were allowed to swim only in their personal kiddy pool.

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Housekeeping is a skill that cannot be mastered only through books. You need to have some practical experience. I also know that people do not learn from others’ mistakes, but as a sensible, conscientious, and compassionate human being, it is my duty to dispense the knowledge and wisdom that I have acquired after many trials and errors.

If you are not involved in household affairs yourself, find out who is. It might be your spouse, parent, or servant. Print these housekeeping tips on a paper and present it to that person.

Yours truly imparting wisdom to two of her friends.

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Once upon a time, Joel Stein knew only about two types of Indians--Guindians and Gandhians, about whom he wrote in an article in the Time magazine. After receiving an overwhelming response to his article, he learned a lot about the third type--the ones who are very sensitive to any news or opinion piece related to India that appears in foreign media. But there are more types of Indians out there. Find out your type by answering a few questions.

TAKE THE QUIZ: WHAT VEGETABLE ARE YOU?

All Possible Personality Types

Bell Pepper
(Capsicum)

You try to make everyone around you feel special and loved, and expect to be showered with the same amount of love and respect. You are disappointed when someone hurts you or backstabs you, because you believe that you are too nice to deserve such ill treatment. You are glad to celebrate your friends’ successes, but also suffer great agony at their misfortunes. Since there is more pain and suffering in this world than happiness, you will gradually become a depressed soul. Joel Stein’s recent article in Time magazine about Indian influx in Edison, NJ is too impersonal for you to be offended.

Karela
(Bitter Gourd) 

You are a pure soul, but your tendency to speak avoidable inconvenient truths about people to their faces quickly lands you in an unfavorable zone. This often hurts you, and you spend a lot of time justifying your point of view. Sometimes you create great controversies with the help and support from a few behind-the-scenes friends. As a result, the majority is usually after your blood, although you are smart enough to save your skin. You are highly compatible with the onion types. You never hesitate to spew venom against Joel Stein when someone tells you that he has written an offensive article.

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Licensed to Kill

I was shocked to the split ends of my hair to learn that my friends were unaware of the brave heroic acts being carried out in some parts of India. People in Haryana and neighboring states have been killing their own family members to uphold their traditional norms in accordance with the Khap panchayats, and here were my friends, asking, “What is Khap?”

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A Life Decoded: J. Craig Venter

Those who are accusing J. Craig Venter of playing God are clearly mistaking the South Pole for the North Pole. Though both poles are snow-covered and have almost the same environment and climate, believe me, it is an illusion, and they are poles apart. North Pole is the northernmost point on the Earth and the South Pole is diametrically opposite of it. North Pole is in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, covered with permanently shifting ice, whereas South Pole is situated on the continent of Antarctica. Polar bears live in the North, and penguins are found in the South.

What I'm trying to say is that God and Devil do look similar with their comparable powers and influence, but a keen observer like me can tell you the difference—God does not have horns and tail, neither does He need a nod from a bioethics committee to tamper with genes.

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Greenpeace activists hoist a flag after climbing on to a balcony at
 BP headquarters in London. Courtesy Guardian UK

Since the explosion and fire on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico on April 20, Mother Nature has been responding to the audacious drill with a furious spill, while the giant BP is trying its best to calm her down.

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You might be aware of the fact that my Didi Mayawati Kumari has spent Rs 2,600 crores on the much-hyped statue project of installing, amongst others, her own statues in the North Indian state of Uttar Pradesh. All over the world, people have hailed it as an unprecedented event, saying that no other living person has ever done this before. Didi is obviously an extraordinary visionary who has successfully concretized her visions. In the spirit of a true leader, she has given herself back to the society. See how elegant she looks with one hand raised, symbolizing power, and the other hand holding a shoulder bag, representing wealth. I luv my Didi. xoxoxo.

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Education, Education, and Education

Education is a cause that has grown very close to my heart. I want to do so much for it. My passion surfaced a few months ago when I read that some people, after they had eaten in golden plates, vacationed at exotic locales, invested in shares, gold, property, etc., joined causes to help the underprivileged.

Here I was, without any money, but never short of ideas, itching to do charity in the manner of the above privileged lot. I diligently hunted for a cause, and zeroed in on education, thinking that it would make me look rich and intellectual at the same time, like a combination of Paris Hilton and Arundhati Roy.

Then, I ransacked my brain for a solution to spread education. After discarding half a dozen ideas, I settled on this three-step plan:

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My Mommy is the Best!

East or West, my mommy is the best.
She cooks the yummiest food,
And always serves me first,
But gives me a thappad if I don’t finish it all.

East or West, my mommy is the best.
She makes me read and write,
And helps me with my homework,
But gives me a thappad if I ever get a B.

East or West, my mommy is the best.
She takes me to the dance class,
And tells me I'm a prodigy,
But gives me a thappad if I don’t dance for her weird friends.

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The Essential Philosophy of Happiness

Endless Itching, Mindless Scratch: 7 Quantum Keys To Life (The Essential Philosophy of Happiness)

Product Details:
Hardcover: 420 pages
Publisher: Givine Center for Well Being of Mind, Body and Soul
Genre: Nonfiction, Self Improvement
Author: Dr. Tea Pakora (M.A.D.)
Language: English
Buy now: $17.95 $00.02

Book Review: Dr. Tea Pakora states in the introduction to his book that before he became a best-selling author, he was himself a great self-help seeker.

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Mission Driven Life

I am on a mission. There is too much inequality and injustice in this world. Why should some privileged individuals keep on having a wonderful time while others suffer in ignominy? I envy all the carefree, cheerful, happy-go-lucky people in this world. My only mission in life is to make them as miserable as folks in my situation are.

Oscar Wilde had suggested a long time ago, “Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” And if they are not ready to pay the extra tax, I suggest that the government should make marrying compulsory after a certain age. Their revelry cannot go on forever.

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(I have been in introspection mode for the past few days. What is life, but a series of complicated relationships? The one I’m in love with is in love with someone else. And see the irony, he wants me to convey his message to his inamorata. Here I have been singing love songs for Awesome bin Laden for so many years, and he seems to have fallen for someone who might not even care for his feelings. What follows is a letter he wanted me to publish.)

Arundhati Rao amid Maoist

Praise be to Allah who created the creation for His worship and commanded them to be just and permitted the wronged ones to retaliate against the oppressor in kind. Peace be upon he who follows the guidance.

Arundhati Roy, oh the glorious one! The erudite, the intellectual, the courageous one, you are like a clear stream flowing through a pristine jungle, like a piece of divine music played on an oud, like a jannat ki hoor on a mission on this earth. I like, I like. All praise is due to Allah.

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(Update: This article is selected for Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards)

Sania Miza

Hello there, people of Pakistan, do not grieve. Think this way—you are not losing a son, rather gaining a daughter. We understand the mental agony and helplessness people undergo when a son gets married. Especially, when he is unreasonably enamored of his new wife and her family, leaving the parents, siblings, and cousins in the lurch. But do not be disheartened, his crush will eventually fade, and then he will once again be the same old Shoaiby Baby of yesteryears. After all blood is thicker than water of the River Musi.

Actually, I was trying to hide my disappointment by saying all that, but, damn, it’s spilling from all directions, making it impossible for me to maintain the façade. How could you Sania? How could you betray the country that showered love, adulation, Arjuna Award, and above all Padma Shri on you? How could you fall in love with a Paki?

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IPL: Indian Premier League

(This article is a satire on IPL Cricket matches that took place in India. If you want to know about the game, read the Wikipedia entry on Cricket.)

For the past few days, I have been baffled by the declining traffic on this blog. A friend told me that this could be because of the IPL, a new type of cricket competition, taking place in India, and that the whole country was engrossed in watching the game on TV, claiming that it was better than the saas-bahu serials. She said that even the movie industry was expecting a slump of Rs 10 crore because of it. All that sounded strange to me, so I decided to check up with my cricket-stricken family in India to learn more about this insidious enemy.

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Haridwar: Kumbh Mela

This morning, my sister, Binodini, rushed into my house in a panic, saying, “Mom and Dad are going to the Kumbh Mela. You've got to stop them.” As much as she complains about our parents, she is the one who is most concerned about them. “There’s only filthy water, extorting sadhus, stampede, cholera, and garbage in Haridwar.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be all right.” I tried to calm her. “It’s their version of a Goa or Florida trip with an added advantage of spirituality.”

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Indian Parliament

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” Lately, many of my friends have been posting this quote by Ralph Waldo Emersion. I know, just like their other messages, these too are directed at me. Thanks a lot, but seriously, stop obsessing about me.

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Save these Creatures

"JUST 1411 LEFT.... ROAR ONLINE…. LEAD THE CHANGE…. SPEAK UP…. BE INFORMED…. DONATE…." A friend has sent this message to me, and I’m going to do all these.

By now you might have already been acquainted with my kind, generous, and obliging nature. If someone asks me to join a group, or click on any link, or cut and paste a message on my Facebook status, or forward an email to n number of people, I do it religiously.

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The Universe

"I will worship a whole mountain

If stone-worship begets God,

The Grist Mill is better than that

As it gives you food for thought."

("Pahan pooje Hari mile to main poojun pahar,
Tase ye chakee bhalee pees khaye sansar." Kabir)

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Aishwarya Rai

Even when I hadn’t heard about her, I wanted to be Aishwarya Rai. Last Saturday, when I saw the beauty queen at an Indian restaurant, where we had gone to lunch, my repressed aspirations sprung up once again. And I tried to pacify my wanton heart, as I always do when overcome with unreasonable longings, by reciting this couplet by Bahadur Shah Zafar, the last Mughal emperor:

Do tell these desires to find a home elsewhere,
My miserable heart cannot host all of them!

(Kah do in hasraton se kahin aur ja basen,
Itni jagah kahan hai dil-e-daagdaar mein!)

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Bee my Valentine!

One of my secret desires is to become a renowned poet, and I keep on looking for subject matters to compose poems. Thus, inspired by the oncoming Valentine’s Day, I brainstormed and recollected some high moments from my love life with the Black Sheep or Humpty Dumpty or Johny Johny—these are the terms of endearment that I use to address my husband with. And what follows is my sincere effort to express some of those memorable moments in verse.

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Balasaheb Keshav Thackeray

Folks, stop this mob mentality. Why is everyone after my great-uncle, Balasaheb Keshav Thackeray? If anyone calls him a “goonda” again, I will conjure up my powers and turn that person into a frog, and then the spell will only be broken if he, my great-uncle, gets a kiss on the Valentine’s Day! A fat chance, so think before you speak.

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Parents! You Just Can't Escape Them

I found my sister after almost 15 years. It so happened that I was getting nasty comments on Facebook like, “awful pic,” “act yr age…..yr not 4 anymor,” “u luk trash,” etc. etc. I knew it was someone from India because only Indians used sms lingo to this extent, but when this Facebook user, named ITGirl, wrote “yr hair is dizasta…if I wer u I wud av shaved my hed,” I was certain it could be none else but my sister, Binodini.

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