You Cannot Fool All The People All The Time

Haridwar: Kumbh Mela

This morning, my sister, Binodini, rushed into my house in a panic, saying, “Mom and Dad are going to the Kumbh Mela. You've got to stop them.” As much as she complains about our parents, she is the one who is most concerned about them. “There’s only filthy water, extorting sadhus, stampede, cholera, and garbage in Haridwar.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be all right.” I tried to calm her. “It’s their version of a Goa or Florida trip with an added advantage of spirituality.”

She then drew her conclusions about the older generation that maybe religion provides them escape from the daily humdrum. “They would look silly singing and dancing but for the religious gatherings like kirtans and jagrans. Unlike the youngsters, they cannot afford to be passionate about real people or things in life, so all of their energy is channeled towards those absurd mythological characters and scores of charlatans posing as God.” She went on to say nasty things, which I cannot mention, about the gods and the symbols that I worship.

“What’s that?” my daughter asked. Apparently, her antenna caught the p word. “What did Auntie say?”

“Nothing,” I told her. “Your auntie is a nonbeliever. That’s why she talks like that.”

“Such irrational beliefs and unreasonable practices only regress the society.”

That was so inappropriate and insensitive of Binodini. Moreover, I considered her a bad influence on my daughter, so I gave her a piece of my mind, and to my great relief, she left, albeit grudgingly. I didn’t need her whining as I was already in dumps for the past few days. Firstly, all my friends had been ignoring me. They had all become very mean and selfish. And then when I tried not to think about them, and tuned the news on TV, it made me even more wretched.

Swami Nithyananda

I found everyone deriding my favorite Godman, Swami Paramahamsa Nithyananda. Don’t they know that he is Lord Krishna, the lover, the liar, the cheat extraordinaire? Out of his two million followers who believed that he was God, some got piqued, even violent, when his Godly acts of lovemaking or raasleela were televised. In this difficult period, like me, Radherani also has her faith intact. “I know my Swamiji. He is a great Athma and will come as a pure Athma soon.” Moreover, he had already taken a dip in the Ganges at the ongoing Kumbh Mela in Haridwar.

Pope Benedict XVI

The brouhaha over Pope Benedict XVI (Joseph Alois Ratzinger) and the Catholic Church has also left me in distress. First, his followers kept on pestering him to sing a song, and then when he sang, “Tum umra bhar bachchon ko sexually abuse karte raho, main yoonhi forgiveness lutaata rahoon (even if you sexually abuse minors all your life, I will keep on showering forgiveness forever,)” they were disappointed. Why? Just because he sang a Bollywood song? It’s the Slumdog effect, dumbos. Now, come on, the Pope is an egalitarian. All sinners—petty liars, traffic violators, murderers, rapists etc.—are equal in his eyes.

He is “truly sorry,” “deeply disturbed,” and “shocked and hurt.” What else do you want him to be? He is urging you, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Now, stop throwing stones! Father, before you get any more deeply, truly, shockingly hurt, I advise you to take a dip in the Holy Ganges along with all your sinners.

Osama bin Laden

After writing about the Hindu and Christian holy men, I felt bad to leave out the Muslims. The only pious soul I could think of was Osama bin Laden. I have been in awe of him for a long time. I guess the word ‘awesome’ had been derived from his name, ‘Osama.’ I usually call him Awesome bin Laden, whereas the whole world sings to him passionately, “Tum kahaan: Where art thou? Oh, most wanted/ I have been looking for you/ for days and nights/ from hither to thither. ”

Awesome had already sent a videotaped message to the Arabic television channel Al-Jazeera a long time ago, in which he had replied to that question in the tune of a song from the movie, Dhadkan, “I live in/ the heartbeats of/ my followers/ everywhere.” He has such a soothing and melodious voice.

That’s all right, Awesome, but I still advise you to go to Haridwar and take a dip in the Holy Ganges, and I assure you this is not a trap. It might cure your heart, liver, and kidney problems. If by chance, you meet my parents there, do tell them to read my blog and that I’m doing fine and I don’t plan to visit Haridwar as I hadn’t committed any major sin this year. The smaller ones, I believe, could be washed away at home.

A Scientist

Awesome bin Laden has also inspired this quote, “Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.” Until this day, very few people had flown to the moon compared to those who had flown into buildings or had driven their automobiles into them. Therefore, I ask you, the reader, “Wadda koun? Who’s bigger?” Awesome has given an immaculate aura, improbable impetus, and immense importance to all the religions and has made them unabashedly mainstream.

To the nonbelievers, rationalists, scientists, and all their ilk out there, these words from Abraham Lincoln are for you. “You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.”

(Kumbh mela picture courtesy adventures-india.com)