World Rhetoricians’ Convention

It so happened that Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck were chatting online, and during their passionate back and forth, they accidentally spilled in the chat window how lonely they were in spite of their bunch of ardent followers.

“It’s lonely at the top,” he wrote.

“You betcha,” she replied.

“Heads of state mingle with each other at G8 Summit, business leaders have meetings to discuss their issues, movie stars gather at award ceremonies, even the petty bloggers manage to hold bloggers meets.”

So Palin and Beck decided to have a Rhetoricians’ Convention. Palin then informed me about the meeting and its agenda:

1. To chill out with like-minded people.

2. Share ideas and tips on: a) How to make Holy books sound relevant. b) How to flaunt patriotism. c) How to survive the onslaught of leftist media.

3. Extend support and encouragement to each other for realization of full potential, and also groom young rhetoricians so that the art does not die with the present generation.

She entrusted me with the responsibility of organizing the convention, which included inviting other rhetoricians and finalizing the venue, with strict instruction that it should be held at a foreign location because she was fed up with the allegations of inexperience in foreign affairs.

Now I thunk and thunk and thunk about a suitable location and quite judiciously decided on Haridwar, a hot destination, to acquaint the guests with our rich culture of yoga, meditation, and Baba Ramdev. Among the other reasons for choosing Haridwar was the fact that the greatest rhetorician Awesome Bin Laden had been living there incognito, and I also wanted to prove to Glenn Beck that Ganges was not a name of some disease.

Let me tell you, organizing an event of such magnitude was not like your child’s run-of-the-mill birthday party.

I booked Ram Teri Ganga Maili Beach Resort. Then I made several phone calls to reach the dignitaries and “motivate” each one of them to participate. Not everyone could spare time, but I managed to gather a decent crowd. A surprise visitor, rather a party crasher, was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Otherwise, we had not invited any heads of state.

It was the most rocking, stupendous, terrific gathering I had ever seen. I don't know why, but it reminded me of a jamun tree in the backyard of my childhood home where the crows came to roost at night. Besides Palin, Beck, Bin Laden, Ahmadinejad, we had Narendra Modi, Uncle Thackeray, Cousin Raj, Varun Gandhi, Sri Sri Ravishankar, and ten more people. Everyone wanted to talk and talk, and no one was willing to listen.

A Gathering Of Great People (unrelated to the article)

“Madam,” I heard Raj Thackeray, “your crosshairs map could incite only a few vandals and just one shooter. There seems to be a lot of room for improvement. I was fortunate to learn the art at my uncle’s feet.” His hands were doing more talking than his tongue.

Palin was in splits when she learned that in this part of the world, Valentine’s Day was used to incite violent protests.

Glenn Beck and Uncle Thackeray were hell-bent on bragging about their tactics of keeping the immigration issue at boiling point. Modi was found advising Varun on the art of hate speech and the proper way to use the words, “maar dalenge, kaat dalenge.” I also saw Modi high-fiving with Ahmadinejad. One said there was no holocaust, while the other said there was no pogrom. And when Bin Laden said, “There was no 9/11,” Ahmadinejad and Modi went into convulsions.

Every once in a while, Bin Laden would pronounce, “Death to America.”

To which Palin would respond, “Stop it Awesome.” But sometimes she would absentmindedly rejoin, “You betcha,” and those around her would have a blast, leaving her aghast at the gotcha talk.

Sri Sri Ravishankar was busy getting himself clicked with each dignitary. “I might get a Nobel Peace Prize,” he confided to me. You can see the pictures on his website and also at his ashram walls.

There is a lot more to report, but this post has reached its word limit. I also have video recordings, which I might post after some editing.

Hey, just now I learned that Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck have added me to their closed Facebook group, ‘looniez’—probably meaning ‘lonely people’—which they have created to chat and to exchange notes with all of those whom they had met at Haridwar convention.

(Picture courtesy Wasserburgs)