I know people never learn from other people’s mistakes, even then I consider it my duty to share a few pearls of wisdom that I have gained from my mistakes and my friend's mistake from time to time. I promise, if you follow the following tips, efficiency and happiness will become your slaves.

1. Avoid using an iPad or a laptop computer as a chopping board: Until someone invents waterproof laptops and tablets made from food-grade material, it is best not to use them as cutting boards in your kitchen. 

2. Never cut vegetables with the blunt side of a knife: A knife has two sides—a sharp side and a blunt side. If you cut vegetables with the blunt side, it will take a long time to complete the task. Besides, the area of the blunt side being more than that of the sharp side and pressure being inversely proportional to area (pressure = force/area), you will have to apply more pressure while cutting vegetables or meat.

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All of you must be aware that scientists keep on experimenting and publishing results of new studies. For example, one of the studies taught me that if I put a foot in front of the other foot, I will move forward. I am a great fan of such studies. So you can imagine my excitement when a study proved that pessimists live longer, happier lives. Now I am also a sucker for all sorts of tips and advice that promise longevity because I feel my life has just begun and I still have many unfulfilled dreams.

It gives me shivers to think how foolishly optimistic I have been until now. It could have cut my life short any day in the past. Hence after reading how optimists die early and pessimists live long and happy lives, I decided to change my attitude.

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Holika and Prahlada (via rediff.com)

On the eve of Holi, the recently concluded festival of colors, many Hindus celebrate the death of Holika by burning her effigies in bonfires. I usually feel sad at the untimely and cruel death of this young woman, who was a casualty of the enmity between two egotistical stepbrothers. I have to confess that I am also a bit guilty of eating green chickpeas roasted in Holi bonfire during my childhood.

Although the Hindu Gods have become apathetic, incompetent, and ineffective like the Indian Government these days, there was a time when they were as pragmatic, decisive, arrogant and crafty as the present-day US government. Business meant business to them. They were forever busy scheming, granting wishes, doling out riches, ammunition etc. to their followers, who oftentimes turned against the providers. And then the Gods had to fight with their own creations. Such wars destroyed many innocent lives and inflicted immeasurable pain and sufferings.

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Latest Super-Hit Chart Buster
 Indo-Pak Rap: Ok, Ok, Oh My God!

Lead Vocalist: Arnab Goswami, Editor-in-Chief at TIMES NOW 

Other Indian Singers: Mahroof Raza, Strategic Affairs Analyst

Lt. Gen (Retd) B S Jaswal

Pakistani singers: Zafar Hilaly, Former Secy, MEA

Syed Tariq Pirzada, Former Pak Ambassador to US

Prof Zafr Jaspal, Quaid-e-Azam University

Admiral (Retd) Jawaid Iqbal, Defense Analyst

Original Video: The Newshour Debate: Pak's Open Aggression (Full Episode)

Related Link: THE HINDU: Manmohan Singh's Abject Surrender

Inspired by the Gregory Brothers' Auto-Tune the News 

Unrelated: An Auto-Tuned Video: Symphony of Science

Music Director: Ratan Cyril Seth

  Video Editor: Giribala Joshi

It looks like US President Barack Obama’s supporters have been waging a secret war against Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. You might remember that the Time Magazine had put Manmohan Singh’s picture on the cover of its Asian edition and had termed him an “underachiever.” At that time the Outlook had come out in support of our beloved prime minister and had retaliated by featuring Barack Obama, the real underachiever, on its cover.

Now the Onion has come up with a picture which shows Obama cooking breakfast in one of Michelle's extra-long T-shirts. Obviously, they want to show how hardworking their president is. Not only can he run a nation and wage war on several fronts, but fix breakfast for his family too. This is too much. I suspect it is a planted story to make Obama look cool and sexy all over the world.

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A few months ago, something terrible happened. It was bound to happen. Looking back, I can tell that it occurred only because of my complacency. I was sitting on my bed in the safety of my home with a laptop, reading other blogs and anointing them with my expert comments, when I realized that my overgrown nails were causing some impediment while typing.

People think that mishaps occur only when they venture out of their homes. This is not true. To get in the way of harm, you don’t have to go to Iraq, Afghanistan, or Syria, or play in traffic, or swim in shark-infested water. Calamity could strike you even inside your home. In fact, toilet injuries are far more common than shark attacks. According to a report, last year 75 people had suffered from shark bites all over the world, against 40,000 toilet related injuries. People even drown in bathtubs and buckets.

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Mark Zuckerberg and his wife

Mark dude, just saw a picture from your wedding in a newspaper. I am so happy for you, brother, but why this Chinese girl di? Have you guys run out of white girls? We are facing almost same problem here in Haryana. Girls have become scarce. My parents are not able to find a decent girl for me. You are one lucky guy to get married, so I thought I should impart some tips for a happy married life along with my congratulations.

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We at the Grist Mill sincerely request West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee to sentence all the cartoonists to rigorous imprisonment for life. Madam, if you don’t take a stringent action right now, the impertinent citizens will continue making fun of distinguished luminaries like us.

Trinamool Congress has done a splendid job in thrashing Jadhavpur University professor Ambikesh Mahapatra and getting him arrested under several sections of the Indian Penal Code and the Information Technology Act.

The Evil Professor (via HT)

He is fittingly charged with (1) outraging the modesty of a woman, punishable with one year’s imprisonment, (2) defamation, which carries two-year imprisonment, and (3) hacking, punishable with three years behind the bars and a fine up to Rs 2 lakh.

We condemn this desecrating cartoon, circulated by the equally reprobate professor, in strongest terms. It is extremely disgusting, disparaging, and defamatory:

On the other hand, we are happy and relieved to learn that a tracking team, comprising 450 members of the Trinamool Congress students' wing, is diligently infiltrating Facebook, Twitter, Orkut and other social networking sites to keep an eye on the rogue elements who have been tarnishing Didi’s image.

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Romancing the Crown
(Courtesy Miss Universe 2011)

The Grist Mill Miss India 2012, the country's most prestigious and only one of a kind beauty pageant, has begun with a bang. Today, the top 5 contenders for the coveted crown will be announced. The judges have selected these gorgeous finalists from a bevy of beauties, all of whom had gone through six weeks of intensive training in personal grooming, fashion, diet, fitness, and communication.

All five finalists are head-turners and show-stoppers. When they walk on a road, traffic comes to a halt. With their “chiseled bods, svelte figures, and toned physiques,” they will certainly inspire many young women and girls. During this contest period, these beauties have wowed the judges with their impeccable manners and behavior, striking a perfect balance between oomph and stateliness, docility and aggressiveness. All five have expressed their intense desire to work for world peace.

Please vote for your favorite contestants at the end of this post. The beauty you vote for could well go on to win the crown, and may even make her Bollywood debut next year. Not just that, there are many exciting prizes that you can send to the Grist Mill if your choice of the top three corresponds with the final choice of the judges. After casting your vote, please keep checking this page to find out who is leading among these five:

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This happened several years ago. I was young, my friends were young. We were away from our homes, living in a hostel, and we thought all the good things in the world were waiting for us. One day, a close friend of mine and I were in the mood for an adventure. We made a plan. I don’t exactly remember the details, but it included a visit to a big city for some weird purpose.

From Left: The Monument, A Dog, Myself, and My Friend 

So great number of years have passed since then that I have completely forgotten which city it was, but I still remember the famous monument we had visited. Though I can not recall the monument's name, it is perfectly etched in my memory. I have tried to draw it for you on the left.

Walking around that monument, we met some interesting people. Now I don’t even remember their faces or names or what they talked about, but I am sure we found them interesting at that time. When we went to see the other main attraction in that city, something horrible happened. I still feel uneasy thinking about that event, but I really don’t remember even a tiny bit of detail.

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May you burn in hell fire! May you get struck by lightning, falling meteor, or satellite debris! May you spoil your relationship with your friends and family members with your greed and selfishness! May your heart always be filled with cynicism, hatred and jealousy! May laziness, pessimism, and fatalism take control of your life! Now relax, I have stopped wishing such things to anyone or everyone.

There was a time when I was not as mature, prudent, judicious, and sagacious as I am today, and I used to curse people with accidents, pestilences, earthquakes, fires, bankruptcies, etc. Most of the time, my prophecies came true. People said that I had a “black tongue.”

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It is holiday season once again. Your spouse and kids are at home all the time, testing your patience. Last year around this time, I had advised you on how to keep your husband busy. This year, I am in the benign mood of forgiveness. The Christmas decorations around the town, the soothing holiday songs, “Fa la la la la, la la la la,” etc. etc. have smoothed my frayed nerves and melted my stony heart as if it were a hardened clod of clay that has now fallen into a puddle. I have been dwelling dreamily in this beautiful puddle, I mean world.

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When I heard that autobiographies are the in books this season, I thought of writing one too. While working on this project, I realized that this way not only will I be leaving an imprint on the tapestry of history, but also bequeathing a treasure of wisdom, enlightenment, and inspiration to the current and future generations.

Once upon a time I used to live a very colorful, bindaas, kick-ass life. I will tell you about it, as also how one evening it came to an abrupt end. Since then I have been living a saintly monogamous life. Of course, not out of choice. Being an inanimate object, I do not have a free will, nor am I complaining because even the most evolved animated bundles of atoms and molecules known as human beings seldom get to exercise their free will. Like us, most of them are brought into this world to be used by others and go on living according to the whims of the very same others.

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(Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) is an Indian version of the UK game show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire)

Dear all, today I want to share my awe-inspiring, life-changing story with you. Thanks to the godsend KBC and its magnanimous superstar host, the one and only, Amitabh Bachchan Jee, I have been transformed from a meek, depressed, stressed-out person into a confident, optimistic, and an upbeat individual. The game show has burst open the gate of opportunity in front of my eyes and has allowed me to dream big about money, fame, and success in life.

Eleven years ago, I used to slug at home as an unpaid housemaid and drudge at a private school as a teacher bogged down between ungrateful students and hateful administration for a meager amount.

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(From the previous post: “What I love doing is eating and sleeping. No one is going to push start my stopped juggernaut. I am a rebel with a grouse. Suddenly I have realized that my time on this earth is limited. I will not waste it living someone else's life.”)

Friends, my Eating & Sleeping project is going on very well. As Ralph Waldo Emerson had once said, “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”

My universe is made up of my friends and my family members. And I have been receiving unconditional support from everyone. All my online and offline friends except a few jealous souls have been extremely delighted at my undertaking. I remember my best friend, praying, “Oh God, if you can not make me thin, make all my friends fat.” Looks like God has listened to her. I am putting on a lot of weight these days.

This is how I might look in the future.
(In this 2007 picture, I am in a jumpsuit filled with balloons)

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(Picture Courtesy abcteach.com)

It was my first flight alone. I was going to fly by KLM Royal Dutch Airlines from Atlanta to New Delhi via Amsterdam to see my mother who had undergone heart bypass surgery two months ago. While I was excited like a fledgling bird, all my friends and family members were worried about me as if I was going to Afghanistan on a rescue mission.

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(Related External Link: TED TALK- What do babies think? by Alison Gopnik)

For scientists and researchers studying human development, a newborn baby’s cognitive abilities are still an unexplored territory. Just like the Higgs boson particle, a baby’s mind remains a mystery. According to one theory, babies are born with complete knowledge of their previous births hence they are exceptionally worldly wise. This is the reason why their heads are so big. As they grow older, their memories of past lives fade and are lost completely around the time they attain linguistic abilities.

Last week, in an unprecedented event, the above theory unraveled itself in front of me. I had gone to see my friend’s two-month-old twins. Both the babies were lying on their backs in their crib. Their gravity-defying arms and legs were kicking invisible monsters in the air.

(Picture source: shutterstock.com )

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Credits:
You can watch Baba Ramdev's original video here on an earlier post.
And find here the song Nakkadwale Disco Udharwale Khisko from Delhi Belly on YouTube.

So what if we shared a common ancestor? Bhad mein jaye common ancestor! 

Sorry Grandpa, of course you still remain my strongest link with the British Royal Drama Company, but you have been dead for such a long time that your descendants have stopped valuing relationships.

Even then, I wish my distant cousin, William, and the new recruit in the Drama Company, Catherine, a very happy married life.

Because there were no cameras back then, and you didn't leave any pictures, I will post a sketch of you for my friends, and they will definitely be able to notice the resemblance.

I am very sorry to disappoint my readers, but I couldn’t witness the wedding first hand. Just like others, I had to resort to the net to watch the videos and the pictures of the extravaganza. My readers were waiting to hear my account of the high profile pageantry, more so because I was related to the Royals and could have told my readers a lot of inside gossip. Even I wanted to be a part of it, and had been practicing the required dialogues and moves for the past many days as is evident by the picture on the left.

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In the Cipher 1982
by Jean Michel Basquiat

Continued from the previous post:

And then suddenly, tabhi achanak, I received a phone call from my friend....

While I was still recovering from the mishaps of the day, she enthusiastically detailed her family’s fabulous outing to the museum and the park. After she finished describing their fantastic lunch at Olive Garden, she asked, “Do you have any plans for the evening?”

“No,” I replied, thinking she was inviting me for some activity.

“We will be at your place within ten minutes. Happy and Lucky don’t want to go home yet, and besides, we want to give you a break from your blogging-shlogging.”

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