Why I Became A Pessimist

All of you must be aware that scientists keep on experimenting and publishing results of new studies. For example, one of the studies taught me that if I put a foot in front of the other foot, I will move forward. I am a great fan of such studies. So you can imagine my excitement when a study proved that pessimists live longer, happier lives. Now I am also a sucker for all sorts of tips and advice that promise longevity because I feel my life has just begun and I still have many unfulfilled dreams.

It gives me shivers to think how foolishly optimistic I have been until now. It could have cut my life short any day in the past. Hence after reading how optimists die early and pessimists live long and happy lives, I decided to change my attitude.

Because of my changed attitude many of the fair-weather friends have already deserted me, which is actually good because now I know that only pessimists can be real friends.

(Picture courtesy thepessimist.com)

Whenever my pessimist friends gather, first we talk about the meanness and selfishness of the optimists. Overall, we have more topics to discuss than the optimists, as each day more and more horrible things keep happening around the world. We exchange stories of harm lurking in air, water, modern appliances, as well as in the food products.

Ever since I have acquired this great pessimistic insight, I have learned to read between the lines when I interact with people in real or virtual world. When a friend comments, “Looking beautiful,” on any picture on Facebook, I know that he or she means that I look good only in that particular picture, and that I am ugly otherwise. When someone comments, “u luk so young,” I realize she wants to remind me of my advanced age. I immediately hide my birthday and my year of graduation. This gives me an idea to enroll in a graduate school, so that I could proudly display 2015 or 2016 as my year of graduation, though I know I am going to fail eventually.

I used to be happy when my dad would ping me the words, “saubhagyawati bhav,” a seemingly innocuous blessing, but lately I have realized that it means that I should die before my husband. This inspires me to take extra care of my health. When the husband lovingly insists that I eat the calorie-rich cake, pastries, or Indian sweets, my antenna picks up his secret motive. Thus instead of mindlessly stuffing myself with the delicacies, I eat only bite size. Although this precaution will work only until a meteorite doesn't strike or a sinkhole doesn't open below me.

And when some of my friends leave honey-dipped comments on a blog post, I know it is a trap to keep me from improving. Earlier, I used to stop working for long periods of time and gloat over each and every compliment. Now, as I have realized how substandard my writing is, I plan to take a study-leave from blogging and Facebook for a few months. Bah... as if anyone can improve their skills with practice. It is in the genes, you know.

So finally, I have learned to see the glass as half empty. I hope my new attitude prolongs my life so that I keep bugging for a long long time all the buggers who might bug me.

News Sources:
American Psychological Association: Pessimism About the Future May Lead to Longer, Healthier Life, Research Finds
The Pessimist: Why Pessimists Live Longer