Many Congratulations Mark Zuckerberg!

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife

Mark dude, just saw a picture from your wedding in a newspaper. I am so happy for you, brother, but why this Chinese girl di? Have you guys run out of white girls? We are facing almost same problem here in Haryana. Girls have become scarce. My parents are not able to find a decent girl for me. You are one lucky guy to get married, so I thought I should impart some tips for a happy married life along with my congratulations.

My first advice is, don't let her use Facebook. Dude, it is not only the top cause of divorce all over the world, but much more than that. Just today I read this horrible news about a married woman, who started an affair while chatting on Facebook and then made her lover kill her husband. If you value your life and your self-respect, don't let her use Facebook. Even if she doesn't get you murdered, each time her men friends like any of her pictures or posts, you will feel a dagger stab your heart.

Facebook is a horrible place, where girls post their brazen pictures, and men folk—whether young or old—go berserk over them, flooding with comments like, "Hi sexy! I want to frenz you." If I ever had young women in my household, I would have never allowed them on Facebook. Actually, there are hardly any young women in our neighborhood or surrounding villages. This is the reason, I chat with girls on Facebook, hoping that I might find someone special, who would make an obedient wife and look after my parents, but all of them are loose characters.

It is our custom that relatives suggest a girl for a marriageable boy like myself, and then the girl's parents offer their daughter's hand, which is accepted only after finding out how deep and heavy the other party's purse is. But these days, there is a shortage of girls, and even if you find one, she doesn't want to adjust in a family. If you come across a simple traditional girl, or your wife has such a sister or a friend, please forward my case.

Do post pictures of the bride's jewelry and dowries on Facebook so that we get to know how well off her parents are. Did you get a car or did they dismiss you with stuff like table fan, sewing machine or bicycle? And how much cash could your parents squeeze? Dude, it seems like you agreed to marry only because of the cash, otherwise she is not that good looking. Had you asked me, I would have advised you against marrying her.

Now that you have already taken this Chinese girl as your wife, I hope you will be able to keep her under your thumb. Do not let her go out to work. Workingwomen bring home only misery. They become too haughty and independent-minded, wear revealing clothes, talk uninhibited with men folk, and stay out at odd hours. Why give a chance to the rumormongers? Be a man. Don't allow her to go out a lot. It is not safe for women to roam around without a male companion. Here in Delhi, rogue guys abduct and rape girls in their cars and then leave them at deserted places.

I can tell a person's character by simply looking at his face. I really like you that's why I spilled my heart here. But bro, in the picture, you look like a scared puppy and sis-in-law a fiery cat. Take care, dude, be brave, don't let her boss around and never give in to her demands. This is all I have to say right now. OK, ta-ta, bye-bye, phir milenge, see you soon, horn please, may all naysayers go to hell, may you flourish as a couple!

(The Hindi version: मार्क ज़करबर्ग को बधाई सन्देश)