I have been awestruck by the events of the past week. In the US, a macho gunman—guns, the ultimate symbol of manliness—snuffed out scores of lives in one go, and in the Indian capital, New Delhi, six brave men accomplished the height of manliness, making themselves distinguished among their lesser brethren, who continuously crave for such distinction by pinching and groping women at public places while trying to keep their own mothers, sisters, and wives under control at homes. How did these ordinary men achieve such greatness? That is the question.

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Strange things happened that year. The sequence of those uncanny events is still fresh in my memory as if they happened just yesterday. I was thirteen and deeply grieving Mallika’s untimely demise. I was a sensitive child, extremely attached to even the inanimate objects that I owned, such as pebbles and pieces of broken bangles. Ever since Mallika had come to our home, she was the first living being I would see in the morning and also the last one I spoke to before going to bed. You cannot imagine my grief when I found her beautiful red and black body motionless inside the shoe box.

At first, I was in denial and then was angry at the world at large. The setback was so severe that I fell ill. I couldn't forgo the image of my pet lady bug from my thoughts. I recovered a little bit from the depression only when my dad promised to get me a new pet. Because of this tragic event, I missed two weeks of studies. After that, my parents forcibly sent me to school, although I was still sad and melancholic.

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"Hey there, pretty mama!" ~ Johnny Bravo
(Unrelated Picture)

Viru came, Viru did not even see, and Viru conquered. Viru is like that only. He arrived without any prior information. We had to cancel our modest Thanksgiving-week plans, which included a two-day stay-over by our family friends. Once Viru is in the house, he keeps you so occupied that you cannot entertain anyone else.

I just couldn't do anything to resist Viru. His presence increased my heartbeat and temperature and within a few hours, he completely overtook all my senses. “Such love could kill people,” I told Viru, while popping pills. In my dreamy, hazy state, Bollywood songs came to my rescue.

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President Barack Obama embracing his wife Michelle Obama
Social media's most shared picture

Friends, I am in mourning. The defeat of Mitt Romney of the Grand Old Party, whose followers are somewhat similar to the dharm-ke-thhekedar or the upholders of faith in our own country, has left me heartbroken.

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Please forgive me for being away from the blogosphere. I do know how desperately you wait for my blog updates. While in the past, the delay used to be due to lack of ideas, health problems, or family responsibilities, this time the blame is entirely on the ongoing festive season.

Actually, I was not so religious while growing up. In fact, my neighborhood aunties who, at the slightest hint from their religious calendars would deck themselves up along with their puja thalis to visit a temple, which was unfortunately located behind my home, would change their route if they saw me playing outside. I was definitely not the devil they made me out to be; rather I was an innocent child just curious to know why they flocked to the temple when God could listen to them even if they prayed at their homes or in their hearts.

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(Picture courtesy PTI)

Indian Cabinet Minister and Congress leader Salman Khurshid says, "I was made the Law Minister and asked to work with a pen…sure I will work with a pen, but with blood as well." Watch the following video:

What we the mango people can infer from this statement is that either the animated, courageous, mettlesome Law Minister wants to become a butcher or a surgeon, or wants to remain at his post, but dispense justice in a bloody way. If it is the latter case, we can imagine a few scenarios:

Case 1:
Supplicant #1: Your Lordship, this is my neighbor, Murgichor. He has stolen my hen.
Salman Khurshid: Bring the stolen hen here. I will cut it myself as I want to work with blood. And then the thief will clean it as a punishment.

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Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
(2 October 1869 - 30 January 1948)

It was October 2nd and I wanted to write something about Mahatma Gandhi, when, out of the blue, I was required to tend to three monsters. My sister asked me to pick up her three kids from the bus stop on their return from school as she had a dinner meeting with her clients. Just because I do not go out to work doesn't mean that I am available for babysitting every other day. I have plenty of unfinished tasks at home—a long list of to-read novels, half-read articles, half-finished blogs etc. etc.

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You must have noticed that despite praying very hard with complete faith and devotion, most of the time, God does not fulfill all your wishes. I started this blog in September, 2009 with this prayer, “Oh God, please get my blog more hits than the most popular ones!” Three years down the lane I think I am wiser and understand the reasons behind God’s reluctance. Let me share my newly acquired wisdom with you.

We usually pray for health, wealth, and happiness for our families and close friends. Just imagine what would happen if God started listening to everyone’s prayers.

1. A common prayer to God is to obliterate pain and sufferings from this world. What most people don’t understand is that if they stopped experiencing pain, they would not be able to protect themselves from injuries, including the deadly cuts, burns, and blows. They will keep damaging their body parts without taking care to heal themselves, and in their ignorance, die untimely. This seems to be one of the reasons why God does not want to do away with pain.

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Protesters in Pakistan burning US flag (via CNN )

My sympathies lie with the holy warriors, who spend their lives, killing people, burning down embassies, hospitals, schools and other such stuff. Sigh! Sometimes, I feel very sad that despite their deadly efforts the Superpower has not yet complied with their wishes. I feel like a poor mother watching her starving children kill each other for scraps of old broken toys from a garbage dump.

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The UPites and the Biharis have long been testing Uncle Thackeray, Sonny Thackeray, and Nephew Thackeray's impatience. Though human migration, whether it's legal or illegal, voluntary or involuntary, has been taking place all over the world since time immemorial, still I can’t understand why these people (traitors!) leave their homeland to go and live uninvited in other cities or countries and spoil the latter's peace and harmony.

Immigrants take their rotten traditions, strange food habits, and nonsensical religious rituals with them, and then sit like ugly patches on the host city, state, or country’s fine tapestry, all the while, consuming, devouring, and despoiling the resources meant for the natives, thus compelling the right-thinking, patriotic natives and their self-appointed leaders to pick up lathis or guns to defend their traditions, racial purity, jobs etc. etc. Besides all this, the Thackerays—poor fellas—have to work extra hard to keep their vote bank alive and pulsating.

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Woohoo! Friends, Manu Joseph, the acclaimed journalist and author, has devoted two big paragraphs to me in an article in OPEN magazine. It has made me so happy that I have been braying like an ecstatic  donkey for the past few days. And I am dying to share all that he has written with you.

My first reaction after reading the article was, “WTF? Why this felicitation?” It is his magnanimity that he has so condescendingly extolled my virtues in an article, which is otherwise an obituary to Anna Hazare’s movement—long live the movement—which I had nothing to do with. Even then, I simply couldn’t contain my joy. It felt as if I had been stuck in an unfriendly island among intimidating dwellers till now, feeling small and worthless, and suddenly someone raised my pedestal and showered rose petals on me.

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It looks like US President Barack Obama’s supporters have been waging a secret war against Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. You might remember that the Time Magazine had put Manmohan Singh’s picture on the cover of its Asian edition and had termed him an “underachiever.” At that time the Outlook had come out in support of our beloved prime minister and had retaliated by featuring Barack Obama, the real underachiever, on its cover.

Now the Onion has come up with a picture which shows Obama cooking breakfast in one of Michelle's extra-long T-shirts. Obviously, they want to show how hardworking their president is. Not only can he run a nation and wage war on several fronts, but fix breakfast for his family too. This is too much. I suspect it is a planted story to make Obama look cool and sexy all over the world.

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Yunan-o-Misr-o-Roma sab mit gaye jahan se
Ab tak magar hai baki naam-o-nishan hamara
Kuchh baat hai ki hasti mitati nahin hamari
Sadiyon raha hai dushman daur-e-zaman hamara.

Translation:
The civilizations of Greece, Egypt, Rome have become extinct,
Whereas our identity still remains intact,
                                      It’s our charisma that we continue to flourish,
                                     Despite the Time's relentless onslaught for centuries.

- From Sare Jahan Se Achchha by Allama Iqbal

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At the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, India won 3 medals out of the total 958 gold, bronze, and silver medals, and it was considered the most successful Olympics ever for us, while the United States swindled 110, and China purloined 100 medals.

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A few years ago, I found a pakora recipe amid a stack of ancestral documents at my parents' place. It is said to be dictated by my great grandmother, who at that time was probably in her thirties, living with her in-laws in a joint family. According to the family lore, a firang had visited their home and the great grandmother had made some tea and pakoras for the guest. He liked the spicy, crispy fritters so much that he asked for its recipe to carry back home to England.

The mother of twelve didn’t know how to read or write, but her children, especially sons, were quite proficient in Hindi and Sanskrit. The tenth child in particular was a prodigy. He was merely six years old, but was able to put down on a paper whatever he was told, verbatim. Therefore, the mother might have sat him down to dictate the recipe.

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For the past few days, we have been bombarded with the news that the Higgs boson has been found. The following video was made a day before the big announcement was made at CERN:

Even after all the hullabaloo, in reality, no one has yet been able to see the God particle in person. He remains elusive, though seekers have found signs of His existence. We are still not sure if the Higgs boson works alone like the God from Abrahamic religions, or there is a team like Hindu Deities.

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Top Bollywood Dance Numbers of 2012
If you have been sleeping like Kumbhakaran until now, it's time to wake up. Wake ho jaiye! New Year's Eve is fast approaching!Auntiji, Uncleji, get up and dance! 

A still from movie Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu 

1. Aunti Ji Aunti Ji from Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu, featuring Imran Khan, Kareena Kapoor; watch out for Imran's wife Avantika at 2:50

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A few months ago, something terrible happened. It was bound to happen. Looking back, I can tell that it occurred only because of my complacency. I was sitting on my bed in the safety of my home with a laptop, reading other blogs and anointing them with my expert comments, when I realized that my overgrown nails were causing some impediment while typing.

People think that mishaps occur only when they venture out of their homes. This is not true. To get in the way of harm, you don’t have to go to Iraq, Afghanistan, or Syria, or play in traffic, or swim in shark-infested water. Calamity could strike you even inside your home. In fact, toilet injuries are far more common than shark attacks. According to a report, last year 75 people had suffered from shark bites all over the world, against 40,000 toilet related injuries. People even drown in bathtubs and buckets.

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It is all the good that you are a hardworking person endowed with qualities and virtues, which are considered admirable in a human being, rather it is fantastic, marvelous, superb, but please, it does not mean that you can abuse those who are not like you.

Many narrow-minded and prejudiced bigots discriminate others on the basis of religion, race, caste, nationality, skin color, physical appearance, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, etc. I have nothing against such people. Poor souls, they themselves must have been victims of one or the other type of discrimination, hence could be suffering from inferiority complex. They have every reason to vent their frustrations.

What I find offensive is a type of discrimination which is widely prevalent all over the world, yet, no one speaks against it. Even I find myself at the receiving end. Amir Khan Sir, how much more should we suffer before you take up the cudgels on our behalf in Satyamev Jayate?

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Mark Zuckerberg and his wife

Mark dude, just saw a picture from your wedding in a newspaper. I am so happy for you, brother, but why this Chinese girl di? Have you guys run out of white girls? We are facing almost same problem here in Haryana. Girls have become scarce. My parents are not able to find a decent girl for me. You are one lucky guy to get married, so I thought I should impart some tips for a happy married life along with my congratulations.

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Do you find yourself tongue-tied while talking to strangers at social gatherings? Does nobody take you seriously? Has this problem turned your grape-like self-esteem into a raisin? If your answer is yes, you need to immerse yourself in this post and let osmosis take place so that you appear to be brimming with charm, knowledge, and worthiness in full glory.

A few years ago, I used to be a squeaky mouse surrounded by croaking frogs, crowing crows, and braying donkeys at social gatherings. Thanks to my astute observation skills and perseverance, I have learned some tricks and have successfully metamorphosed into a talking rat. I learned everything the hard way, but now I want to share my knowledge and expertise here for your benefit. I wish I had such guidance before I began socializing.

So if you are desperate to jump-start your social life, you need to embrace the following traits.

1. Confidence—To show how busy and important you are, never arrive at any event on time. When you make your own grand entrance at least two hours late, everyone’s eyes will be fixed on you. Take this opportunity to greet them loudly and make your presence felt. Try to introduce yourself to all new people in the room, and remember to mention your nationality, religion, caste and net worth. Make sure they understand that you belong to a superior race to theirs.

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Illustration by Satish Acharya 

About one month after Carl Sagan was born in Brooklyn, New York, and Charles Manson was born in Cincinnati, Ohio, a baby girl was born in Nadgaon, Bombay Presidency in British India, who was destined to befuddle historians. Following a widely prevalent Indian tradition, she was neither a rationalist like Sagan, nor did she achieve the heights of insanity like Manson.

The girl had black hair, big almond eyes, and cheeks like ripe guava. When she was born, someone might have definitely proclaimed that Goddess Lakshmi had arrived. We should find that person, and if he or she is still alive, make him or her our national soothsayer, for the girl did bring immeasurable and unaccountable wealth and fortune to the family.

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Sachin Tendulkar's new hairstyle is the latest sensation. 
Listen in his own words why he opted for this new look:

(Watch the complete video here: Sachin Tendulkar Fecilitated)

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Once upon a time, I was in awe of all the bloggers out there. 

Inspired by them, I also started a blog. Now I work hard to publish one article every week. 

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We at the Grist Mill sincerely request West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee to sentence all the cartoonists to rigorous imprisonment for life. Madam, if you don’t take a stringent action right now, the impertinent citizens will continue making fun of distinguished luminaries like us.

Trinamool Congress has done a splendid job in thrashing Jadhavpur University professor Ambikesh Mahapatra and getting him arrested under several sections of the Indian Penal Code and the Information Technology Act.

The Evil Professor (via HT)

He is fittingly charged with (1) outraging the modesty of a woman, punishable with one year’s imprisonment, (2) defamation, which carries two-year imprisonment, and (3) hacking, punishable with three years behind the bars and a fine up to Rs 2 lakh.

We condemn this desecrating cartoon, circulated by the equally reprobate professor, in strongest terms. It is extremely disgusting, disparaging, and defamatory:

On the other hand, we are happy and relieved to learn that a tracking team, comprising 450 members of the Trinamool Congress students' wing, is diligently infiltrating Facebook, Twitter, Orkut and other social networking sites to keep an eye on the rogue elements who have been tarnishing Didi’s image.

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Honey, I thought it would be better to express myself in an email. I am in a state of mental turmoil since you left home in the morning for work, saying that Mummy-Papa will be coming on Saturday. I believe, they must have planned to stay here for at least a month. They are your parents and have every right to live with us, but right now, I want you to tell them to postpone their trip or make it shorter.

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Hello everybody, I am Raveena Tandon. Welcome to Vodaphone presents It’s My Life powered by Stayfree Advance, in which one celebrity re-lives their life, and we get to experience the lows and highs with them. In every era, there comes a leader who captivates public imagination and becomes their mai-baap-sarkaar. Today, we have among us one such big gun, who has been serving his subjects, or his praja, for the past twenty years. You can see from the picture on the screen how well-off the praja has become under various rajas like him. Please welcome, the one and only, highly respected, Kunwar Raghuraj Pratap Singh. Applause, music.

Seven dancers in colorful Punjabi costumes appear on the stage and dance

 to a song played to the tune of Daler Mehdi’s Bolo Ta Ra Ra Ra.

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If you are reading this, I am 100% sure that you are a living being. Therefore I want to acquaint you with some basic medicines that alleviate the pain associated with living. In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow had proposed a theory of hierarchy of needs, which is usually depicted as a pyramid with most basic needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top.

I had actually made my own list of needs, but then discovered that Maslow’s pyramid covered most of them. So I decided to cite a few needs from the pyramid and warn you about their side effects:

An interpretation of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, represented as a pyramid with the more basic needs at the bottom (via Wikipedia)

Note: 1. I have updated the second rung from bottom with ‘full-time internet.'

           2. I have added ‘blogging’ at the top of the pyramid. You may add your own hobby, vocation, or profession, if it makes you                      happy.

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Latest: Balam Pichkari from Ye Jawani Hai Diwani
)

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The president of the Parrots’ Association appeared in the court of King Sher Singh to request an investigation into the death of a member, who was murdered along with his wife and two grown-up children.

Many animals secretly believed that the King’s younger brother Prince Jagir Singh was behind this heinous crime, as the deceased parrot had been lately parroting his misdeeds.

The oh-so-mighty and ever-so-just King summoned the chief police officer Mr. Fox to investigate the deaths.

Mr. Fox solved the case in just three hours. He brought five witnesses who said that the parrot’s family members were at loggerheads with each other, hence they bludgeoned each other to death with logs.

But the deceased parrot’s brother was not convinced. “First of all, this is absolutely ridiculous. Even if the family members killed each other, where did their body parts disappear?”

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After watching Richard John "Rick" Santorum, one of the GOP presidential candidates, on news channels, I finally comprehended God’s purpose for sending me to this country. I am here to help Santorum in his holy fight. And together we will remove the plague of cultural liberalism and secularism from the schools and universities

I totally agree with all his views. The following three are especially close to my heart:

1. Contraceptives are harmful to women and to the society in general, which means that women should keep on having babies all through their reproductive years. Several women’s groups have been floored by his kind utterances. Being a woman, my own frigid heart has turned into slush by such warm consideration.

2. Homosexual acts and same-sex marriages are immoral. For this respected Santorum Ji has been receiving rich compliments from Dan Savage and friends.

3. Intelligent design is a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science classes. The theory of evolution is over hyped. Now, I am the perfect candidate who can help with this undertaking. I am a big proponent of intelligent design. This is why God must have thought that I was needed in this country.

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Romancing the Crown
(Courtesy Miss Universe 2011)

The Grist Mill Miss India 2012, the country's most prestigious and only one of a kind beauty pageant, has begun with a bang. Today, the top 5 contenders for the coveted crown will be announced. The judges have selected these gorgeous finalists from a bevy of beauties, all of whom had gone through six weeks of intensive training in personal grooming, fashion, diet, fitness, and communication.

All five finalists are head-turners and show-stoppers. When they walk on a road, traffic comes to a halt. With their “chiseled bods, svelte figures, and toned physiques,” they will certainly inspire many young women and girls. During this contest period, these beauties have wowed the judges with their impeccable manners and behavior, striking a perfect balance between oomph and stateliness, docility and aggressiveness. All five have expressed their intense desire to work for world peace.

Please vote for your favorite contestants at the end of this post. The beauty you vote for could well go on to win the crown, and may even make her Bollywood debut next year. Not just that, there are many exciting prizes that you can send to the Grist Mill if your choice of the top three corresponds with the final choice of the judges. After casting your vote, please keep checking this page to find out who is leading among these five:

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In Somewhereland, everyone, from the king to the pauper on the road, secretly desires to keep a singing bird as a pet. The land is bestowed with incredible natural beauty. There is a river that never stops talking, flowers that dance with the breeze, trees that change colors every season, and above all, a variety of beasts and birds that fearlessly wallop, gallop, or hop around.

In spite of the fact that people have to work hard for a living, they are still deeply connected with the nature, intrinsically inclined to keep the beasts and the birds as pets.

If you talked to anyone, after exchanging initial pleasantries, they would inevitably inundate you with the accounts of antics and quirks of their pets just as the parents of young kids do.

A Singing Bird
(image source istockphoto.com)

The natives have all types of pets except for the singing birds—the most beautiful, lovely, and enchanting of all the creatures. The singing birds capture your heart at first sound and sight. The way they swoop, the way they perch and hop, the way they sing, they transcend you to a different level of consciousness. You forget all your pain and worries and feel as if you have become one with divinity. But, alas, when the bird flies away, you suffer acute heartache and melancholy, and pine for its company. You become desperate to own a singing bird.

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Snobs
(Picture courtesy thesmartly.com)

Who doesn’t want to be a snob? You must have encountered many a snob in your life, secretly admired them, and ardently desired to be like them, but didn’t know how to become one. Well, until now because in the next few lines you are going to learn the finer aspects of snobbery, which you will find easy to inculcate in yourself.

Even if you consider snobbery an uncharted territory, you will definitely discover a hidden snob inside you, and will be able to unleash him in his full glory on this world. If you already are a snob, these tips will help you become a better snob.

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During my early years, despite being a bit precocious, I was a normal kid. And then one fateful day in 6th standard, my math teacher hit me on my head for a wrong answer, discovering at the same time that I was nearsighted and needed corrective glasses. Something changed after that day. Not only did I start wearing spectacles, but also began considering myself superior to everyone else, looking down on them as mere mortals indulged in satisfying their mundane urges, whereas I spent my time contemplating higher spiritual stuff.

The pair of spectacles instantly elevated my standing in the society. My schoolmates, teachers, and neighbors, everyone held me in high esteem. I guess they considered me studious and intelligent, though every once in a while, I got catcalls of char-ankhyan, meaning four-eyed, from stupid boys on my way to school.

All of this strengthened my belief that I was special. In my day-long reveries, with textbooks in my hands, while my mom thought I was studying, I would think only about the other world because this world was full of lowly creatures.

I also started having visions. The lord himself appeared before me. Though I used to be almost blinded by his aura, I could make out that he was well-groomed, attired in modern clothes, extremely handsome… and surprise of surprises, he wore spectacles too. He asked me to convey his message to the world that he was no longer an uncouth ancient troll in robes or dhoti, but a sophisticated, suave, bespectacled gentle God.

Now I understood my feelings of superiority. I was God’s messenger, nay I myself was God’s incarnation on this earth, continuing from where Rama, Krishna, and Jesus had left.

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If I ever want to go to any festival, I would go to Kumbh Mela to wash away my sins. Never to such a sinful, blasphemous literature festival as the one held in Jaipur.

Even if the organizers send me a private jet, or announce some award for me, or promise to read passages from the Grist Mill, I will not join the derelict, delinquent, morally bankrupt book peddlers.

And after the shameful Rushdie episode, let me ask you, whoever in his right frame of mind would want to go there?

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This happened several years ago. I was young, my friends were young. We were away from our homes, living in a hostel, and we thought all the good things in the world were waiting for us. One day, a close friend of mine and I were in the mood for an adventure. We made a plan. I don’t exactly remember the details, but it included a visit to a big city for some weird purpose.

From Left: The Monument, A Dog, Myself, and My Friend 

So great number of years have passed since then that I have completely forgotten which city it was, but I still remember the famous monument we had visited. Though I can not recall the monument's name, it is perfectly etched in my memory. I have tried to draw it for you on the left.

Walking around that monument, we met some interesting people. Now I don’t even remember their faces or names or what they talked about, but I am sure we found them interesting at that time. When we went to see the other main attraction in that city, something horrible happened. I still feel uneasy thinking about that event, but I really don’t remember even a tiny bit of detail.

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When we were moving to US, I was worried about leaving God’s own country for a nation of kafirs, atheists, and immoralists. But on my arrival, I learned that people here were as pious as folks back home.

The main approach road to our home had an exasperating number of churches alongside it. As we would pass by them in our car, out of habit and respect, I would bow my head to every church, left and right. One day, this pious act sprained my neck muscles. Now my world revolved around my neck pain, and I became extremely depressed and irritable. Getting a physician’s appointment was even more difficult than finding God. They were all booked for the next three months. We resorted to prayers, and over-the-counter first aid products like Bengay and hot/cold packs.

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May you burn in hell fire! May you get struck by lightning, falling meteor, or satellite debris! May you spoil your relationship with your friends and family members with your greed and selfishness! May your heart always be filled with cynicism, hatred and jealousy! May laziness, pessimism, and fatalism take control of your life! Now relax, I have stopped wishing such things to anyone or everyone.

There was a time when I was not as mature, prudent, judicious, and sagacious as I am today, and I used to curse people with accidents, pestilences, earthquakes, fires, bankruptcies, etc. Most of the time, my prophecies came true. People said that I had a “black tongue.”

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Don is happy that you guys made his movie a top grosser. Not watching a Don movie is not only difficult, but impossible. Why not, after all, Don is damned irresistible. Don’s dashing looks enhanced by a goatee and a gorgeous pigtail have been making gals go gaga. Don’s new look has absolutely charmed and enthralled and mesmerized everyone else too.

But remember, Don likes to be chased only by wild cats like Roma. Middle-aged aunties, please stop swooning over Don’s sensational physique.

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