Bin Laden In Love

Monday, April 19, 2010

(I have been in introspection mode for the past few days. What is life, but a series of complicated relationships? The one I’m in love with is in love with someone else. And see the irony, he wants me to convey his message to his inamorata. Here I have been singing love songs for Awesome bin Laden for so many years, and he seems to have fallen for someone who might not even care for his feelings. What follows is a letter he wanted me to publish.)

Arundhati Rao amid Maoist
Praise be to Allah who created the creation for His worship and commanded them to be just and permitted the wronged ones to retaliate against the oppressor in kind. Peace be upon he who follows the guidance.

Arundhati Roy, oh the glorious one! The erudite, the intellectual, the courageous one, you are like a clear stream flowing through a pristine jungle, like a piece of divine music played on an oud, like a jannat ki hoor on a mission on this earth. I like, I like. All praise is due to Allah.

Together we can crush imperialism and make keema and kebab from it to feed our lovely monsters. I want you to visit our hideouts in Pakistan and Afghanistan and write about our beautiful way of living, which is under attack from the capitalists. Death to America.

By the grace of Allah, you have captured my heart as no one else has ever before. I fantasize running around the rocks with you, singing, “Tu mujhe kabool, main tujhe kabool.”

It wasn’t always like this. When I first read your book, The God of Small Things, in 1997, thinking it was a holy book, and would do me some good in afterlife, I suffered bouts of vomiting and intense disgust. I wanted to fly an airplane into the Harper Flamingo office building in New York.

However, just as in the story, The Pearl of Love, a king builds a magnificent monument in the memory of his beloved, but in the end gets her old-fashioned coffin removed, I too got involved in a bigger cause and forgot about the ordeal of reading your book. The plan later materialized with astounding results and made a legend out of me, but believe me your book had started it all. Death to America.

Now, by the grace of Allah, I came across your essay, Walking With The Comrades, on outlookindia.com. Barely had I been a few lines into it that I was smitten by your charms. I felt as if you were describing our struggle. Just change the names of people and places and it becomes our story. I don’t want to confess this, but you made me cry, Arundhati, yes you did. No one else had ever moved me in such a way. I keep on gazing at your pictures on my iPad. Can’t put it under my pillow for fear of crushing it. I had ordered a copy of Outlook magazine for that purpose.

You have occupied my heart and captured my soul. Oh beauty, come and live with us. Wave your magic pen on our struggle. I promise to provide you with the most beautiful room you have ever slept in. It will be your private suite in a thousand-star hotel. You will be surrounded by strange, beautiful children with their curious arsenal. All jihadists for sure. You will be surprised by how much you will love being at the star-spangled dormitory. There will be nowhere else in the world that you would rather like to be. Umm…I’m thinking who would you be during the nights. Mujahid Rahel under the stars? Allah is our guardian and helper. All peace be upon he who follows the guidance.

If you suffered from folic acid deficiency, I would certainly order my cook to make your favorite red ant’s chutney, chapoli. Otherwise, scorpion chutney and snake pickles are no less delicious. Death to America.

These days, I spend my time either browsing your essay, or listening to 'Daghe-e-dil humko yaad ane lage' by Iqbal Bano—I know it’s on your iPod—or watching Umm Kulthum.


(Awesome, may you find happiness with your sweetheart in your safe house, or in the Tora Bora cave, or wherever you live. Do you think you are too good for me, or what? You are so cruel. ‘Mujhko to qatil ki itni pehchan hai, dadhi wala chehra hai dil beiman hai.’ You are a ruthless killer indeed. How could you be so heartless? Oh…how could you be so heartless?)

(Picture courtesy outlookindia.com)

31 comments:

  1. This is a Box Office piece :-) But I still wonder what 'sweet, sticky vomit' is up to...

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  2. Masterpiece !!!!What a love !!!

    Anjuli

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  3. Although I see the love stemming from Deepest depths of Bin Laden's heart/soul, I still believe he is misunderstanding the consequences of Arundhati's work...I just think there are certain things which cannot be made light of...nothing personal but a difference of opinion:)

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  4. @Debby and @Anjuli: Yeah, it sounds like a Bollywood musical.

    @Sangeeta: Dil to hai dil...He HAD read the novel and the 32-page essay.

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  5. @Giribala...as Arundhati said, everything has to be put into context and then must be analyzed, incidents in isolation can be unjustly interpreted..I think one lover has to call upon another through dialogues of beautiful minds, stating their points, since Bin Laden heard one, the Grist mill must go ahead and put forth her opinions, to win back her love and not whine about an aching heart..(lol)...Just like Taylor SWift croons in the song 'She wears short skirts'...I especially like the beginning lyrics where she says nobody can understand u better than I..
    Although haven't read all essays of the brave lady, have read synopsis of her works:)

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  6. If this love turns into something meaningful :-) then its true

    Marriages are "Indeed" made in heaven....

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  7. @Sangeeta: Damn! Why didn't that idea occur to me earlier! Thanks for the suggestion :-)

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  8. I think Bin Laden is going to be heart broken and sing, "Dil ke armaan aansooon mein beh gaye, hum wafa karke bhi tanha reh gaye..."
    Because Arundhati Roy comes across as a feminist, and an atheist and she doesn't preach violence ;)

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  9. Bin Laden should start making love stories in Bollywood - he will be a hit with dialogues like these :)

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  10. haha... loved ur pricky sarcasm :)

    good 1. keep writin.... cheers

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  11. @IHM: Thanks! lol at "Dil ke armaan..."
    When I read her essay I felt she was supporting violence, the armed struggle of the Maoists. I might be wrong. If you read it, do let me know what was your impression.

    @Mayank: Welcome and thanks for your visit :-)

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  12. Heehee...this could turn into reality...I'm serious...the way Ms.Roy speaks,writes...I'm seeing it's in the near future

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  13. When I read the Outlook article a few weeks back, what struck me was how Roy made the entire Maoist struggle look like a great romantic adventure. I admit that Maoism stems from great violence being inflicted on them, but we can't deny that what they are doing now is no less violent or criminal as well.
    Anyway, Roy seems to disagree with the government (and America) on everything simply because she thinks she must.

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  14. @Ashish: Capitalist imperialists in the garb of democracies, watch out! Your days are numbered!

    @Sweeny: I too was appalled by the romanticisation of violence. She has described the deadly weapon-wielding terrorists as beautiful and lovely, and their way of living as Utopia…even the loo mug is not spared from gushing admiration.

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  15. wrt ur comment on my blog:

    You cant b really serious? I think April 1 is behind us :)

    -

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  16. @Mayank: You can take the first line seriously...not too seriously, though. The second one was a joke :-)

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  17. Loved the comment though .. p.s. pls do recommend me [ although m sure my blog wont give a nice impression to her parents ] :)

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  18. I saw her in an interview with Karan Thapar. I agree I couldn't understand exactly what she meant. I sensed she felt the the government should have taken action long ago and prevented this situation from reaching this point... and then she also claimed she didn't support violent. Not at all surprised it made Bin Laden fall in love with her ha ha... :)

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  19. ROFL!!!

    IHM, KJo could be the producer/director...

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  20. Frankly, i was very tired of all the criticism Arundhati Roy had to face, I mean, yeah I don't agree with her, but its okay let her have her opinions in peace - saying she is wrong once is more than enough.

    But then, I saw your refreshing piece. Love you for it.

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  21. Thanks Sraboney, Kumar Luv, and Siddhesh for stopping by. Keep visiting :-)

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  22. That was one great read! Congrats on the blogadda pick!

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  23. @Priya: Thanks! So good to see you here!
    @Sandhya: Welcome and Thanks for the nice words!

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  24. bullshit .. she is speaking for those who come to know from newspapers that they are maoists and government is preparing to kill them all .. and bin laden's love ?? .. you people who are funding a genocide as a taxpayer .. and one petty woman is speaking for you .. it is arundhati that differentiates india from pakistan.. otherwise indians are no different ...
    Bloody Aseemanands ..

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  25. And i seriously wonder how women like you congratulate your womenhood by supporting your anti-naxal forces .. who are committing the rapes of the tribal women ?? or your army which did the 100 gangrapes in a single night ... sometimes I wonder how .. can women support their government who is behind this ?? Then I think .. may be women deserve what they are gettin in this world .. may be your gender is destined for this .. :(

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  26. Dear Pranzal, I am against all forms of violence, whether it is perpetrated by governments or citizens. I will write against those who support violence. Please do not curse whole womankind for my mistakes. Forgive my limited knowledge and keep enlightening us from time to time :-)

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