My Hidden Talent

I have an extraordinarily well-developed hidden talent, which I have been trying to bring out to display for the benefit of the whole world, but try as hard as I can, it remains inside and refuses to manifest itself in its full glory. I am dead sure about my musical talent because in my head, I can sing all my favorite Bollywood songs and ghazals in correct pitch and perfect rhythm with the ease and panache of the original singers.

While my husband tells me that music is not my cup of tea and that I should spend more time in the kitchen making real tea, I believe I can perfect my actual singing with due patience, diligence, and practice.

Thus for the past several years, I have been training my vocal chords during all my waking hours.

Whenever we go out, my daughter walks 15 feet ahead of me and communicates only via text messages. She has indicated many times that if I didn’t stop singing in public, people would start doling out coins and dollar bills. But believe me, to this date, no one has ever offered me any money: not that I would mind it. Artists like me usually live on alms and do need some patronage.

At home, both of my family members have learned to use earplugs. That is all right because, finally, I have decided to do things that make me happy. Trololololo lololo lololo, hahahahaha hahahahaha…

From quite a young age—be it at school assembly, ladies sangeet, or playing antakshari—I used to be in great demand as a singer. One fateful day, my father interrupted me while I was singing a song, “Kya mil gaya sarkar nashabandi kara ke, nasbandi kara ke hamari chhutti kara ke…(What did you gain, oh Government, by banning alcohol, and turning us into good-for-nothing by forceful sterilizations….)” He said that it didn’t sound proper. This incident happened in 1977—yeah, I am that ancient. Being an extremely sensitive child, I gave up my favorite hobby for many years that followed.

These days at Indian get-togethers my friends give me prizes for not singing, suggesting that I was a veteran, hence shouldn’t compete. Do you think I don’t understand their connivance? Only God can save me from such jealous friends. Once, I even heard someone remark that if the mike reached my hand, no one else would get a chance.

(Notice how I am awarded and crowned for not singing while two of my friends scramble for the mike.)

Lately, I have realized that, somehow, my recorded songs don’t sound exactly the way I sing. Either my talent still wants to remain hidden, or the present-day audio-video recorders are not able to capture the essence of my singing. I hope there is a breakthrough in technology in the near future, and, no, I don’t like Auto-Tune. Until then, you will have to make do with the songs sung by the original singers:

Check out my YouTube Channel for more songs.