How To Prevent Earthquakes

When an airplane shakes in midair, we call it turbulence. Similarly, when the ground beneath our feet shakes, we call it an earthquake. I hope you do not confuse either of these with milkshake, which falls under an entirely different category.

Air turbulence causes only panic and motion sickness among the passengers unless the aircraft is going to crash, while earthquakes can render widespread devastation and destruction. The buildings and bridges could go tumbling down and turn into rubble, crushing human beings as you crush ants and other lowly creatures with your shoes.

If an earthquake strikes your city, either you will instantly die from the heavy objects or the building material falling over you, or you will be trapped in the debris of your beloved house that you had built or bought with all your life’s savings and which you upkeep with all your life’s energy.

In case you survive the initial jolt, but the outside world fails to rescue your damaged, mangled body from the trap, you will gradually starve, lose consciousness, and then die.

To save ourselves from such ghastly consequences, we need to find out the reasons behind earthquakes and try to stop them before they strike us.

We at the Grist Mill Academy of Occult Science and Obfuscated Technology are hard at work to find solutions to the blazing problems of the humanity by scientific methods.

Here I present the outline of our earthquake research program:

Steps of the Scientific Method

•Project: To find out why earthquakes occur

•Background Research: This research has its roots in a personal incident. A few years ago I used to pray to God to destroy my rich neighbor’s apartment by earthquake or fire. I was lucky that He didn’t have powers to grant my wish, otherwise—I realized this later—the same earthquake or fire would have destroyed my apartment too as we lived in the same building. When we started this project, my team researched ancient scriptures and scrolls, and learned that God’s clan lived in heaven or sky and the Devil’s progeny lived in an underground cell. Thus we concluded that fires and earthquakes fell under the Devil’s jurisdiction.

•Hypothesis: On the basis of the above insight, we inferred that earthquakes happened when the agents of the Devil are piqued by the behavior or actions of the human population living on the surface. To find out what inflames or infuriates these underground creatures, we are currently testing five hypotheses:

#1 Girls wearing jeans: This could be the most possible trigger for earthquakes. Girls in denims could have been making the Devil's agents go crazy. Indian devils are not accustomed to seeing girls on the road in western outfits. As more and more girls have been opting to wear jeans, it could be responsible for the increased seismic activities.

#2 Girls and boys playing dandiya during Navaratri and celebrating Valentine’s Day in February: Everybody knows what goes on in the name of playing dandiya. Devil's  could be highly displeased with such activities because they prefer people abusing, torturing, or killing each other.

#3 Criticizing Narendra Modi: Next time you criticize NaMo or write an article against him, remember you would be responsible for the hell’s fury. Your whole city could be engulfed in a catastrophe.

#4 Putting rich people like A. Raja, Suresh Kalmadi, Amar Singh etc. in jail: We at the Grist Mill are highly concerned at the growing number of people being incarcerated. Come on, all of us have given or taken bribes at some point in our lives. These esteemed personalities merely had a few more zeros in their transactions for which they should be applauded.

#5 Not allowing the terrorists to explode bombs whenever and wherever they wish: Guys, terrorists are people too. They have dreams and aspirations like all of us. Why not let them live their lives according to their faith and convictions? Why incur the wrath of the Devil instead?

•Different teams have been assigned to test the above hypotheses. They will conduct experiments, and then analyze the data to find out which one of these hypotheses is correct.

Until then, stay safe!