The Grist Mill Academy Of Politics For Women

Indian Parliament

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” Lately, many of my friends have been posting this quote by Ralph Waldo Emersion. I know, just like their other messages, these too are directed at me. Thanks a lot, but seriously, stop obsessing about me.

Now, the mother of all conspiracies has waved her magic wand and provided me with a horse-drawn carriage, called Women's Resevation Bill, to carry me through the rocky road leading to the dream palace, and has also spread a red carpet at the entrance. On top of that, I feel as if this newly established Academy is showering rose petals on me. This is my true calling. My grandfather used to call me Indira Gandhi, and my neighbors called me Phoolan Devi. At that time, I thought the latter moniker to be a compliment for my unconventional beauty.

I found in this Academy exactly what I was looking for. I would be very happy if you also applied for a seat. Let me read aloud the prospectus for you:

Admissions Open: The Grist Mill Academy Of Politics For Women, New Delhi, is now accepting applications for the inaugural academic year. Girl, I can’t hide my excitement. It’s situated at my favorite city of all.

Objective: In the wake of the Women’s Bill reserving one-third of the parliament and state assembly seats for the hitherto disadvantaged sex, we need polished, capable candidates for the next election. We cannot afford to fill our parliament with incompetent women. Though for strange reasons incompetent men have always been unequivocally acceptable.

Faculty Members: The course faculty comprises the best from the political spectrum. We also plan to rope in Mayawati Kumari—that's my didi, Ramnika Gupta—the veteran, Maneka Animal Welfare Gandhi, J. Jayalalithaa—the revolutionary leader, Mamata Banerjee—the one who runs trains, Jaya Jaitley—the Samata Party leader, and Uma Bharti—the firebrand sannyasin as instructors and advisory board members. What a crowd!

Our Philosophy: The comprehensive course at TGMAPW will produce alumni capable of taking part in the vibrant politics on a par with seasoned men to carry on our great democratic tradition. Desh jaye tel lene, aish tu kar! Let the country go to the dogs, enjoy your kabobs!

Women can do anything in this world. The only thing I can’t do is open a jar. Wait a minute, why does this sound like, “We men can do…?” I suspect a deep-rooted linguistic conspiracy.

The Women’s Reservation Bill is a small step towards female world dominion. These days, Mulayam Singh Yadav is scared like a rabbit imagining itself surrounded by cats. I want to ask him, “Apke ghar mein ma/behen/bahu/beti nahin hain kya: Don’t you have mother/sister/daughter-in-law/daughter at your home?” The Bill ensures that after the first election, the presence of women in the parliament would be 33.33%. The second election might increase it to 66.64%, and in a short period of 11 years, when the third election would take place, we might have an all female parliament. And then our graduates will be able to pass child-and-woman-friendly legislation.

Yes! We will ban selling of kids and women, ban child labor and underage marriages…. What? We already have such laws? No way!

We will outlaw forced marriages, wife beating, bride burning…. What? These have already been outlawed? Shut up!

We will draft laws for giving equal inheritance to sons and daughters, and against dowry and female feticide…. What? We have these laws too? Get out of here!

Okay, if all these laws already exist then…hmm…let me think…. Eureka, we will IMPLEMENT them. Now please, don’t tell me they have already been implemented.

Syllabus: To build and shape the character, individuality, and personality of our scholars, special attention will be paid to train them in the following fields of knowledge and skill.
1. Family Relationships: How to deal with the changed equation in your household, so that your mentor/patriarch is happy to become the man behind your success. How to act dumb initially, so that he thinks he’s the decision maker. Later on, you may treat him like a dog.

2. Financial Management: What to do with the bundles and bundles of currency notes that would be offered to you once you win an election. Oh my, that’s going to make me rich enough to leave my seven generations in royal luxury.

3. Muscle Power: This is the most important aspect of politics. Watch the following demos from our audio-video section to decide if you have it in you. Wow, this is the real deal. Sab kuch seekha humne na seekhi goondagardi. I’m keen to learn this branch of politics.

We will organize spot visits to real fight scenes to desensitize you, and show you first hand how the police forces work only in the interest of the rich and the powerful. Caution: Graphic content. Viewer discretion advised.



You will be taught to fight in the state assemblies or in the parliament by enacting law-making sessions in duplicate halls well equipped with microphone stands and chairs. The following video recording of Uttar Pradesh legislative assembly will give you some idea about it.


Not bad...not bad.... But let me tell you, my ambition is to become as gumptious as Jamuna:


Apply Now: Contact within 24 hours of reading this prospectus and receive Rs. 5,00,000 discount on building fund. Wives, daughters-in-law, and mistresses of the existing Members of Parliament who could be adversely affected by the Women’s Reservation Bill are eligible for 70% discount.

Since I don’t have enough dough to pay for the staggering admission fees, I’m looking for ways to get 70% discount. I know what’s on your mind and thank you for not speaking aloud. You think I hadn’t thought about that? They are all so repulsive.

Even then, “Where there is a will, there is a way,” and also, I do believe in that conspiracy nonsense.

(Parliament picture courtesy reuters.com)