Damn These Immigrants!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The UPites and the Biharis have long been testing Uncle Thackeray, Sonny Thackeray, and Nephew Thackeray's impatience. Though human migration, whether it's legal or illegal, voluntary or involuntary, has been taking place all over the world since time immemorial, still I can’t understand why these people (traitors!) leave their homeland to go and live uninvited in other cities or countries and spoil the latter's peace and harmony.

Immigrants take their rotten traditions, strange food habits, and nonsensical religious rituals with them, and then sit like ugly patches on the host city, state, or country’s fine tapestry, all the while, consuming, devouring, and despoiling the resources meant for the natives, thus compelling the right-thinking, patriotic natives and their self-appointed leaders to pick up lathis or guns to defend their traditions, racial purity, jobs etc. etc. Besides all this, the Thackerayspoor fellashave to work extra hard to keep their vote bank alive and pulsating.

Defenders like Wade Michael Page who killed 6 people in a Gurudwara in Wisconsin, and Anders Behring Breivik who killed 77 people in Norway have to sacrifice their own lives just because of the nuisance of the immigrants.

In Assam (India) Bangladeshi immigrants keep pushing the native Bodos to indulge in violence, which recently rocked the whole country, causing a cascade of problems, undermining the fragile peace between Hindus and Muslims. Even the stringent actions taken by the government, such as shutting down the parody accounts of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Twitter had not been able to abate the violence.

The Thackerays of Mumbai, the only hope of right-thinking Mumbaikars, have done a wonderful job in scaring away people who come from neighboring countries as well as from the other Indian states, but even their war cries have not been able to mitigate the scourge of migration.

This looks like an extremely complicated, problematic phenomenon, but with the help of science and a little ingenuity, we can find a solution. Yes, we can!

The think-tank at the Grist Mill has been doing some serious research to find out everyone’s origin so that the far-right, anti-immigration, patriotic defenders of the society can send the immigrants back to their homeland. At first, our research team studied the Y-chromosomal lineage, which suggested that .5% of all men in the world were direct descendents of Genghis Khan. Some of us agreed to send these men back to Mongolia for it would have obliterated many of the world’s problems related to aggressive behavior, but the head of our team vetoed our idea and asked us to find a better, more-effective solution.

After a great deal of brainstorming, the think-tank once again began tracking the human migrations—at first the recent ones and then the earlier ones. This time, we studied mitochondrial DNA and found strong evidences via Wikipedia that human beings, i.e. homo sapiens, had originated in East Africa around 200,000 years ago, and from there, they spread all over the world as shown in the map below.
A map of early human migration (Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)
   Homo sapiens
   Neanderthals
   Early Hominids

Now the most appropriate solution, we concluded, was to send everyone back to East Africa. This was, however, vetoed by the khoosat head scientist, claiming that it was not feasible to accommodate the world population in the small red-colored area shown in the map.

Finally, a member of our team, who is also a spiritualist, recited this Sanskrit couplet to us:
Yada yada hi vigyanasya kardeepam...” meaning,
Whenever the flashlight of science runs out of batteries,
Spirituality lights the corridor with its flickering flame!
He made us reflect on a widely accepted belief that basically all human beings come from the womb of the mother earth. Therefore, if we wanted people to go back to where they had come from, we should advice everyone to return to the mother earth. This was a "Eureka!" moment for us. All of us, including the punctilious head scientist, commended this simple solution in which all people had to do was to dig six-foot-deep pits on earth and inter themselves to become one with the mother earth.

Right now, we are in the process of sending our findings to the right-wing, anti-immigration leaders, such as the beloved and widely respected Thackerays of Mumbai, who, we believe, will lead us all by putting their worthy selves six feet under.

Related links:
TOI: Raj Thackeray threatens to brand people from Bihar as 'infiltrators', force them out of Maharashtra

TIME: French Essayist Blames Multiculturalism for Breivik’s Killing Spree
CNN: Police identify Army veteran as Wisconsin temple shooting gunman

40 comments:

  1. Fabulous post, Giri! Politicians know how to stir up the "local" sentiments. It is the gullible that pay the price.

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    1. Yeah, the common people have to pay the price!

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  2. great post Giribala . Let the devout lead by example.

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  3. The priorities are bang on...who originated from where and migrated where is what India needs right now...the economy can go to hell.
    And trust Diggy to stir a hornets nest by digging out that Thackerys are originally from Bihar.

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  4. Haha! Frustrating, isn't it? It seems that we need a major reshuffle in India to carry on with other burning issues.

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  5. Super duper post!So original& hilarious!

    " .5% of all men in the world were direct descendents of Genghis Khan."

    Only 5% ?

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    1. Thanks Indu! I remember reading somewhere that 1 in 6 men is direct descendant, but when I googled to confirm it, I found only .5% that is 1 in 200. But don't worry, in Asia the percentage is greater than this :-)

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  6. What an idea Giri ji!

    Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
    We know Major Tom's a junkie...'

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  7. All these self styled owners of small hamlets and states they rule never heard of 'Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam' that means that the whole world is one single family! Everyone is stoking regional fires and passions to warm their own hands!

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    1. Looks like they didn't learn about 'Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam' in school! Or maybe they flunked school!

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  8. Fabulus post ! really enjoyed reading it ! I wish the Thackerys would really lead us all by putting themselves six feet under first !

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  9. One of your best Giri! Really enjoyed this one.

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  10. This problem is not new.It got created the day Nehru decided to divide Indian stateson linguistic basis.What you see today is the mess created in late 50s by congress.
    Problem is surfacing now,because,centre is getting weaker and regional parties are getting stronger.
    More so,after coal and minning expose---each state wants its share and in right proportion,besides power sharing on all fronts

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    1. That is so true! Everyone wants their share in the loot.

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  11. Nice post.... especially the way you shape it into a sarcastic note.

    Love to read. god bless

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  12. Brilliant, brilliantly said! Clearly the Think Tank is doing more thinking than tanking! Ha!

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  13. Genghis was cool like that. His love knew no boundaries.

    Interesting take on immigration. :)

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  14. Your solution is perfect. Send them from where they came from :)

    Vote bank politics zindabad! There is no explanation to all the internal and external migration problems. The NE story is horrific to even contemplate and hopefully it gets sorted out before blowing up in the faces of the politicians and the nation.

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    1. Thanks Zephyr! How strange and sad it is that all the regional and communal violence is traced back to politicians!!

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  15. OMG..............giving you a virtual hug right now and at the same time so full of admiration. I wish I had written this post......GO BACK SIMONVA!!!?Back to the centre of the earth.......RESPECT!

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  16. Great Post Giri...Lead by example they must...Ya Phir Sita mayyaa ki God mein!

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    1. Even I thought about Sita mayya while writing this :-)

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