Damn These Immigrants!

The UPites and the Biharis have long been testing Uncle Thackeray, Sonny Thackeray, and Nephew Thackeray's impatience. Though human migration, whether it's legal or illegal, voluntary or involuntary, has been taking place all over the world since time immemorial, still I can’t understand why these people (traitors!) leave their homeland to go and live uninvited in other cities or countries and spoil the latter's peace and harmony.

Immigrants take their rotten traditions, strange food habits, and nonsensical religious rituals with them, and then sit like ugly patches on the host city, state, or country’s fine tapestry, all the while, consuming, devouring, and despoiling the resources meant for the natives, thus compelling the right-thinking, patriotic natives and their self-appointed leaders to pick up lathis or guns to defend their traditions, racial purity, jobs etc. etc. Besides all this, the Thackerays—poor fellas—have to work extra hard to keep their vote bank alive and pulsating.

Defenders like Wade Michael Page who killed 6 people in a Gurudwara in Wisconsin, and Anders Behring Breivik who killed 77 people in Norway have to sacrifice their own lives just because of the nuisance of the immigrants.

In Assam (India) Bangladeshi immigrants keep pushing the native Bodos to indulge in violence, which recently rocked the whole country, causing a cascade of problems, undermining the fragile peace between Hindus and Muslims. Even the stringent actions taken by the government, such as shutting down the parody accounts of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Twitter had not been able to abate the violence.

The Thackerays of Mumbai, the only hope of right-thinking Mumbaikars, have done a wonderful job in scaring away people who come from neighboring countries as well as from the other Indian states, but even their war cries have not been able to mitigate the scourge of migration.

This looks like an extremely complicated, problematic phenomenon, but with the help of science and a little ingenuity, we can find a solution. Yes, we can!

The think-tank at the Grist Mill has been doing some serious research to find out everyone’s origin so that the far-right, anti-immigration, patriotic defenders of the society can send the immigrants back to their homeland. At first, our research team studied the Y-chromosomal lineage, which suggested that .5% of all men in the world were direct descendents of Genghis Khan. Some of us agreed to send these men back to Mongolia for it would have obliterated many of the world’s problems related to aggressive behavior, but the head of our team vetoed our idea and asked us to find a better, more-effective solution.

After a great deal of brainstorming, the think-tank once again began tracking the human migrations—at first the recent ones and then the earlier ones. This time, we studied mitochondrial DNA and found strong evidences via Wikipedia that human beings, i.e. homo sapiens, had originated in East Africa around 200,000 years ago, and from there, they spread all over the world as shown in the map below.

A map of early human migration (Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

   Homo sapiens

   Neanderthals

   Early Hominids

Now the most appropriate solution, we concluded, was to send everyone back to East Africa. This was, however, vetoed by the khoosat head scientist, claiming that it was not feasible to accommodate the world population in the small red-colored area shown in the map.

Finally, a member of our team, who is also a spiritualist, recited this Sanskrit couplet to us:

Yada yada hi vigyanasya kardeepam...” meaning,
Whenever the flashlight of science runs out of batteries,
Spirituality lights the corridor with its flickering flame!

He made us reflect on a widely accepted belief that basically all human beings come from the womb of the mother earth. Therefore, if we wanted people to go back to where they had come from, we should advice everyone to return to the mother earth. This was a "Eureka!" moment for us. All of us, including the punctilious head scientist, commended this simple solution in which all people had to do was to dig six-foot-deep pits on earth and inter themselves to become one with the mother earth.

Right now, we are in the process of sending our findings to the right-wing, anti-immigration leaders, such as the beloved and widely respected Thackerays of Mumbai, who, we believe, will lead us all by putting their worthy selves six feet under.

Related links:
TOI: Raj Thackeray threatens to brand people from Bihar as 'infiltrators', force them out of Maharashtra
TIME: French Essayist Blames Multiculturalism for Breivik’s Killing Spree
CNN: Police identify Army veteran as Wisconsin temple shooting gunman