Hey Jones Dude, Here Is An Appeal For You

Obama with his Blackberry

Last week, in my imagination, President Obama pinged me from his BlackBerry, “GJ, do something! Only you can stop that jackass from burning the Koran. Please post an appeal on your distinguished, widely read, popular blog. The lunatic might gain some foresight.” The President seemed concerned—very concerned.

I didn’t consider it a big issue because in my view, if Hindus, Muslims, and Christians thoroughly read their respective Holy Books, they would burn their own books instead of others’.

But then, I seriously tried to comprehend why everyone was acting like a barefoot toddler on a sun-baked road, and concluded that Terry Jones’ act could, in fact, cause a large scale irreversible global warming. In Afghanistan, people had already started burning Jones’ effigies. I was sure that if he went ahead with his stunt, it would trigger a chain reaction and in no time the whole world would be engulfed in flames, which would be certainly very interesting to watch on TV.

Therefore in my reverie, when President Obama asked me to post an appeal on The Grist Mill, I replied, “I am sorry to disappoint you Mr. President, but I am the kind of person who hands bamboo sticks to people found arguing.”

“Is that so?” He sounded excited. “That’s our philosophy too, GJ. We are the top arms suppliers in the world. Even the Taliban is indirectly armed and funded by us.”

“I know that, and also the fact that India is the largest importer of arms. By the way, what did you mean when you said you hoped Jones ‘listens to those better angels and understands that this is a destructive act that he's engaging in’? Do you really believe in angels, demons, and other supernatural stuff?”

“Heh! That is the foremost requisite for a political life, to feign belief in such nonsense.”

“Same here, Mr. President. I too like telling ghost stories to people who believe in ghosts.”

“We have so much in common.”

“Yeah!” I said with a sigh and both of us went silent after that. It was such an exalting experience to find a soulmate.

“Call me Barack.” He pinged after a few seconds.

That further ruffled my emotions, so I wrote, “And you know I was also born outside the US.”

“What do you mean by also? I am a natural born citizen of this country. Do I have to go around with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead?”

“Oh ok, leave it. Let’s talk about other things. I am actually very fond of dancing. It is my wish to shake a leg with you à la Ellen DeGeneres. Someday, we will arrange a chance encounter and dance together.”

“No, no. No, no, no. Don’t even mention it. Haven’t you seen how Michelle gave me a cold shoulder when I jigged with Thalia?”

After that, he once again requested me to post an appeal, and signed off saying that he heard Michelle’s footsteps. I was left so excited that I was inclined to comply with any of his wishes, so here I go:

AN APPEAL: Hey Jones dude, please don’t burn the Bible er… I mean the Koran. It will cause extensive global warming, which will increase my electricity bill.

Related Links: THE WASHINGTON POST - The Internet: Enabling Pastor Terry Jones and crazies everywhere
THE NEW YORK TIMES: Despite Slump, U.S. Role as Top Arms Supplier Grows
GLOBAL ISSUES: The Arms Trade is Big Business