Stop Picking On My Great-Uncle Balasaheb Thackeray

Balasaheb Keshav Thackeray

Folks, stop this mob mentality. Why is everyone after my great-uncle, Balasaheb Keshav Thackeray? If anyone calls him a “goonda” again, I will conjure up my powers and turn that person into a frog, and then the spell will only be broken if he, my great-uncle, gets a kiss on the Valentine’s Day! A fat chance, so think before you speak.

Last time, when I visited Bombay…oops Mumbai, I carried my great-uncle’s picture to get discounts at the boutiques and the beauty parlors. I also keep with me a picture of the soldiers of his army, the Shiv Sainiks, in chaddi, or underwear, to threaten people and get my work done. The chaddi picture is effective even here, in US.

But sometimes people who know that I am from Uttarakhand find it difficult to digest the fact that I am a Marathi and I have to explain my blood relationship to the Thackeray family again and again.

That's why I want to put this story in black and white, so that the next time someone doubts my Marathi roots, I can direct him to this blog.

My grandparents lived in Bombay in the 50s for a few years. I am not sure what my grandfather did—I guess he wrote captions for the cartoons that Balasaheb drew—but I certainly know what my grandmother used to do. She was extremely beautiful, and looked like Mandakini, a film actress, when she was young. I mean when Mandakini was young. Grandma was a promiscuous…er religious woman, and she liked to sing this bhajan, ‘Ram teri Ganga maili ho gayi.’ My older relatives, in Uttarakhand, attest to the fact that whenever my grandfather came home during vacations, everyone in the village got clothes of the latest fashion from Bumbai. Our ancestral village is still called Nanubambi, meaning Little Bombay.

I may not exactly have the Thackeray blood, but I am certain that what is running in my veins is Marathi blood. Our forefathers and foremothers had migrated from Maharashtra to the hills of Uttarakhand in the 11th century when the Turkish invader, Mahmud of Ghazni, was raiding and desecrating India. So now you know that unlike Biharis or other statewasis, who call themselves bhumiputras, my ancestors did not come out from the soil in earthen pots.

Balasaheb Thackeray is not a goonda. He is the Shehenshah of Maharashtra—the only protector of the rights of the Marathi Manoos. In a country where the state police and government machinery are mired in corruption and inefficiency, such powerful Uncles are your only hope. His army is ever ready to unleash violence, vandalize, burn, or destroy shops, trains, buses, offices of TV news channels, and cricket pitches for your cause. He has fought several verbal and nonverbal wars against Gujaratis, Marwaris, South Indians—lungi hatao pungi bajao, communist trade-union activists, UP bhaiyyas, Biharis—ek bihari sau bimari, and Valentine’s Day debauchees. He even wants Hindus to set up training camps and form suicide squads to counter Muslim terrorism.

Is there anyone else who has the guts to take on such mighty individuals as Dilip Kumar, M. F. Hussein, Sachin Tendulkar, Mukesh Ambani, Shah Rukh Khan, Rahul Gandhi—'the frustrated bachelor', his Italian mummy…?

Now the caretakers of the bachelor are calling Great-Uncle Thackeray senile. Such irreverent talk makes me anxious.

After reading that disparaging remark, I had a horrible dream in which Balasaheb Thackeray did turn senile. I saw that his son, Uddhav, had taken him to Haridwar. He then said to him, “Wait for me here, Baba.” At this Balasaheb said, “Son, I know you are going to abandon me, because I had also left my Baba exactly at this very place.” That filled Uddhav’s heart with extreme remorse, and he brought him back to Matoshree.

But thanks to the good wishes of us all Marathi people, he is not senile yet. Watch the following video. He is in full possession of all his faculties, and gives astute replies to Vir Sanghvi, the hot guy who talks smooth. Did I tell you that my great-uncle is a great fan of Hitler? Yes, he is. He is an avid admirer of many of the Fuhrer's qualities, such as his oratory, organizational skills, his patriotism, and his hold over the masses. Now, I am warning you one last time—do not call him a goonda. You don't want to remain a frog forever. Jai Hind! Jai Maharashtra!

Update 1: The old video link has expired. In this video the interviewer is Rajiv Shukla.

Update 2: 17 November 2012 
With great sadness I inform you that Great-Uncle has left this world for heavenly abode!

Bandh tribute to Balasaheb! ~ by Satish Acharya

Related Link: Ek Tha Tiger: Death and Bal K. Thackeray
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