The Olympics Conspiracy

At the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, India won 3 medals out of the total 958 gold, bronze, and silver medals, and it was considered the most successful Olympics ever for us, while the United States swindled 110, and China purloined 100 medals.

Have you ever wondered despite being one of the best countries in the world, in every aspect, why we have been relegated to such a dismal position?

Well, I have known the reason for a very long time. There has been a deep-rooted, long-stemmed, and wide-branched conspiracy against our beloved country. Everyone seems to be morbidly jealous of our glorious nation. Just as the foreign media, and their pimps, the Indian writers, keep showing India in pathetic light, the International Olympic Committee has deliberately excluded the sports in which Indians excel. Most of the Olympic sports are far removed from our way of life and do not suit average Indian physique or psyche.

Let us campaign to include our type of sports and events at the Olympics. Here are a few examples:

1. Cricket and Chess
Everyone knows that we have been and continue to be the world champions of cricket and chess. It should be our top priority to campaign for inclusion of these games at the Olympics. Besides these two, we are also good at playing kho-kho, kabbadi, bante, kite flying, satoliya, oonch-neech, hide and seek, pakdam-pakdai etc. etc.

2. Chinese checkers
When I was a little girl, I used to be a Chinese checkers champion. No one in my family or neighborhood could beat me at this game. Around the age of 13-14, I had won so many games that my dad even wrote a letter to the Guinness Book of World Record to get my feat listed. I only started losing when I had a daughter who began playing against me. I had to let her win otherwise she would go on a rampage around the house. Although I am past my prime, I can still join the Indian Olympic team as a manager if my daughter gets to play for India.

3. Debate Competition
All of our schools and colleges produce good debaters who can successfully debate for or against any issue or cause. Our TV anchors are the best specimens of this great heritage. Recently, I watched news on TV where men and women were justifying the Khap panchayats' anti-love-marriage diktat and also the Baghpat panchayat’s ban on girls and women below the age of 40 years from using cell phone, wearing jeans, and going out unaccompanied, and I can assure you they all were potential Olympic medal winners in this event.

4. Sexual Harassment Contest
Does this category sound intimidating? You must be thinking it would be difficult to win this contest. This is nothing but eve-teasing, silly. Our men will win hands down. We are a nation of gropers and molesters. The Assam police already have Amar Jyoti Kalita and his friends in their custody. Indian government should train them for molesting women of international athletic caliber. They should be thrown in cells for practice with women wrestlers.

5. Like this Page Contest
All the countries willing to participate in this contest would be required to create a Facebook page and the country that gets most “likes” should be awarded a Gold medal. We will create a Facebook page named “Gold Meddle 4 India: Evry Indian shud Like dis Page”, and I am certain with an impetus from our social media crowd and with the help of hacks and tricks we will definitely win a Gold medal in this category too.

Such sports could get a lot of medals for India. If you find your favorite sport missing, please do not hesitate to share. Together, by campaigning for the inclusion of Indian sports at the Olympics, we can end this wicked conspiracy, and claim the rightful place for India among international bigwigs.

Related link:
TrueTV: 15 Conspiraciy theories about the Olympics
Washington Post: Olympics 2012: Sports you won’t see in the London Games
Picture courtesy Wikimedia Commons