During my early years, despite being a bit precocious, I was a normal kid. And then one fateful day in 6th standard, my math teacher hit me on my head for a wrong answer, discovering at the same time that I was nearsighted and needed corrective glasses. Something changed after that day. Not only did I start wearing spectacles, but also began considering myself superior to everyone else, looking down on them as mere mortals indulged in satisfying their mundane urges, whereas I spent my time contemplating higher spiritual stuff.

The pair of spectacles instantly elevated my standing in the society. My schoolmates, teachers, and neighbors, everyone held me in high esteem. I guess they considered me studious and intelligent, though every once in a while, I got catcalls of char-ankhyan, meaning four-eyed, from stupid boys on my way to school.

All of this strengthened my belief that I was special. In my day-long reveries, with textbooks in my hands, while my mom thought I was studying, I would think only about the other world because this world was full of lowly creatures.

I also started having visions. The lord himself appeared before me. Though I used to be almost blinded by his aura, I could make out that he was well-groomed, attired in modern clothes, extremely handsome… and surprise of surprises, he wore spectacles too. He asked me to convey his message to the world that he was no longer an uncouth ancient troll in robes or dhoti, but a sophisticated, suave, bespectacled gentle God.

Now I understood my feelings of superiority. I was God’s messenger, nay I myself was God’s incarnation on this earth, continuing from where Rama, Krishna, and Jesus had left.

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If I ever want to go to any festival, I would go to Kumbh Mela to wash away my sins. Never to such a sinful, blasphemous literature festival as the one held in Jaipur.

Even if the organizers send me a private jet, or announce some award for me, or promise to read passages from the Grist Mill, I will not join the derelict, delinquent, morally bankrupt book peddlers.

And after the shameful Rushdie episode, let me ask you, whoever in his right frame of mind would want to go there?

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This happened several years ago. I was young, my friends were young. We were away from our homes, living in a hostel, and we thought all the good things in the world were waiting for us. One day, a close friend of mine and I were in the mood for an adventure. We made a plan. I don’t exactly remember the details, but it included a visit to a big city for some weird purpose.

From Left: The Monument, A Dog, Myself, and My Friend 

So great number of years have passed since then that I have completely forgotten which city it was, but I still remember the famous monument we had visited. Though I can not recall the monument's name, it is perfectly etched in my memory. I have tried to draw it for you on the left.

Walking around that monument, we met some interesting people. Now I don’t even remember their faces or names or what they talked about, but I am sure we found them interesting at that time. When we went to see the other main attraction in that city, something horrible happened. I still feel uneasy thinking about that event, but I really don’t remember even a tiny bit of detail.

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When we were moving to US, I was worried about leaving God’s own country for a nation of kafirs, atheists, and immoralists. But on my arrival, I learned that people here were as pious as folks back home.

The main approach road to our home had an exasperating number of churches alongside it. As we would pass by them in our car, out of habit and respect, I would bow my head to every church, left and right. One day, this pious act sprained my neck muscles. Now my world revolved around my neck pain, and I became extremely depressed and irritable. Getting a physician’s appointment was even more difficult than finding God. They were all booked for the next three months. We resorted to prayers, and over-the-counter first aid products like Bengay and hot/cold packs.

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May you burn in hell fire! May you get struck by lightning, falling meteor, or satellite debris! May you spoil your relationship with your friends and family members with your greed and selfishness! May your heart always be filled with cynicism, hatred and jealousy! May laziness, pessimism, and fatalism take control of your life! Now relax, I have stopped wishing such things to anyone or everyone.

There was a time when I was not as mature, prudent, judicious, and sagacious as I am today, and I used to curse people with accidents, pestilences, earthquakes, fires, bankruptcies, etc. Most of the time, my prophecies came true. People said that I had a “black tongue.”

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Don is happy that you guys made his movie a top grosser. Not watching a Don movie is not only difficult, but impossible. Why not, after all, Don is damned irresistible. Don’s dashing looks enhanced by a goatee and a gorgeous pigtail have been making gals go gaga. Don’s new look has absolutely charmed and enthralled and mesmerized everyone else too.

But remember, Don likes to be chased only by wild cats like Roma. Middle-aged aunties, please stop swooning over Don’s sensational physique.

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